Ohmygod! SatireWire | Postcards from the Ex is so funny, it's sad.
I'm feeling especially jaded about the Valley today. There's not enough room for all the "pre-IPO" comanies in this town and I'm tired of them. I think the web is ready to fall into the Mall Mold, where a few big companies and even fewer small ones dominate and the small ass players are relegated to the crappy strip malls, next to the dry cleaners.
How many job postings read like this? Copywriters: Chance of a lifetime at HOT pre-IPO startup. Give me a break. That's like the recruiter who told me I was "throwing my career away" when I left the workplace from hell after a mere 3 days. Right. I'm making more money, treated better and closer to home. If that's throwing my career away, I'd say it's not a bad thing to do!
My boss sent me this hilarious, but sadly accurate article a while back.
Does anyone know where I can buy some more Intense Chocolate Velamints? Finding them in the first place must have been a fluke. Please don't delay, send me email right away if you know.
project me is just so damn groovy.
I know that lots of porn sites own domains that are one letter off from major sites like Yahoo and stuff like that. But really, what's the point? If I wanted to find porn, I would. Stumbling onto it, especially at work, only makes me blush and struggle to close the window quickly, which doesn't really help the porn site in promoting their business.
I heart Blogger. Blogger is my friend, but lately I'm starting to wonder what the point is in a free service that's down a lot.
Had the most surreal visit to the gynecologist today. He's a budding Web designer (bills himself as the Groovy Gyno) so there we are, in the least social situation I can imagine and he's asking me about building a form and aligning a banner on the left side, then he completes the exam by asking if I'd visit his site and send him an email about it. Which I'm happy to do, but still makes for a very akward time to talk about web stuff.
The new secret location of the elian whassup flash thingie.
Brad's in my office right now, reading the ingredients on the bag of Alice's treats. It's so surreal.
Damn. CNN.com - Whazzup? AP tries to kick popular Elian animation off the Internet - April 27, 2000. Get over your bad selves, it was about time some part of Elian's saga was worth laughing about.
One of my beaglebuddies had her dog Barbie run away 3 days ago from her home in Marion Indiana. If you live near there, or know someone who does, please pass Barbie's page along.
There was no repeat of Tuesday's dogfight. We found an article by a behavior expert listing all these things to do, Andrea printed it out and we're following it to the T. It seems to help.
Without divulging anything of interest or relevance, let me say that monthly vesting plans are a great thing.
Maybe the Whassup thing has gotten out of hand but this is still pretty funny.
Another great email from facilities:
We are currently installing voice,video, and data cabling in the Sunnyvale facility. The cable installation crew will use a nail gun to install cable hangers. You might hear several gunshot noises this morning during the installation process. Please do not be alarm with the noise.
You would think that being 10 and 12 years old would mean that my dogs won't fight. Ha! Nobody was seriously injured when Alice went after Ellie but there was blood so we were at the vet's once again. Why can't these things ever happen early instead of at midnight?
I just bid on a ton of crap on ebay, then got outbid on everything. Good thing, I didn't really want that stuff, I just got caught up in the excitement.
Looking for help with your love life? Here's The Wrong Way to make love. Phew.
I'm noticing that my blog isn't listed in the popularity contests and you know what? That's okay. It's one thing knowing that my friends read this (Hi Amy!) but a different thing knowing that more folks than I'd imagined are reading my daily drivel. I'm not in a big hurry to increase my exposure, the more people reading this, the more I worry about saying something inflammatory or lawsuit worthy.
For Amy, who's feeling a little low Jesus Loves You.
Here are the related terms that come up with a search on "Jesus Loves Me"
- jennifer love hewitt
- passwords jesus
- "jesus christ"
- love poems
- jesus pictures
- making love
- courtney love
- love poetry
Give me a break. It's over.
Someone wrote to me about Alice's site today, suggesting that I use their services to translate it into different languages. HELLO? It's a shrine to my DOG, not a viable business opportunity.
Is it really necessary to waste our tax dollars on this? Congress begins inquiry into Miami raid. Am I somehow a Castro supporter if I think that we should let the whole thing drop or just sick of the whole thing?
I may be able to chat with people from all over the world on the Web, but they still can't beam themselves here to meet me for lunch.
If I were to link my friend's names to their email addresses everytime I mentioned them, would people actually write? I think no, after all, your only connection to most of the people I mention is me, and you may not know me.
My mom recently ran into a woman I went to high school with. She's pregnant with her 4th child. Holy shit. And here I thought that 2 dogs was a steep commitment.
It's not all bad for beyond.
I just looked at my stats for April for the first time (yes, I know it's kinda late in the month, but I've been busy cranking out powerpoint presentations) and would like to say Heeeellllooo to all my new readers from url's I've never heard of, like harvard and stanford.
I'm so glad that Elian is with his father now. It's about damn time. Elian reunion 'a most beautiful moment' . Maybe there was too much force, but after Waco, I'm sure Janet Reno's only thought was to prevent anything like that from happening again. And it worked, nobody was hurt. And why, oh why, was that fisherman there and why is the guy still hanging around? Looking for his 15 minutes of fame, which ended about 5 months ago as far as I can tell. Just like for the rest of the family. I'm sure they love him, but they held him hostage and made him a pawn to their political interests. And now they're shocked that the father doesn't want to see them? Duh.
It's pretty ironic that brick and mortar stores have higher margins than Internet ones. The manta used to be "we don't have stores to maintain so we make more money on every purchase" but I suppose that's no longer true, since the market is now flooded with competition, Internet retailers have to work more than twice as hard as the corner store. Here's a a little proof.
Very important information for your summer trip to Amsterdam.
I can't stop laughing at this -- Meet My Pony - Taylor.
I'm lauging out loud at these Easter Cards. You will too.
The story of my life at beyond last year, Mid-Level Manager Forced To Find Out Who Isn't Flushing The Toilet. Although I didn't have to unearth the culprit. It seemed like every other day the single-seat can was closed due to overuse. And the crowd pleaser in the hall was no better, there were always people chatting in there (why, oh why do women do this?) or making animal noises by themselves (oh how I wish I were kidding).
Speaking of harrassing phone calls, Tom Mabe is the king of harrassing telemarketers, but you'll have to take my word for it since his site doesn't have ANY of his great moments on it.
Amy and I have been to Meijer more times than I can remember. Like Fred Meyer (which does not compare in my book), the store is littered with phones. When a nearby phone rings, Amy is not afraid to answer it as if she's a bona-fide Meijer employee. At which point, we laugh hysterically and move on to another department.
What people do for fun is astounding. This, coming from the same woman who once spent an entire night running around an outdoor shopping mall rearranging the bulbs on the Christmas lights on the trees. Not to mention the countless hours I spent driving around, following people or the nights Dan and I drove around shooting water guns into open car windows. Ahh, life in the suburbs.
Thanks to eating an entire bag of treats yesterday, Alice spent today at the vet. When I picked her up just now, everyone at the office told me about the legendary, gigantic poop she'd just had. All I know is, she looks much lighter now. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight instead of being awakened at 2:34 am by the lovely sound of her retching.
Crashing jets is fabulously morose. Reading it brings back college and the breakups that seemed sure to end my life as I knew it (and they did, for the better, though you couldn't have told me that then).
My last 2 breakups were with Marcia. I guess we thought the first one was so much fun that we wanted to try it again. We had a fabulous summer together after the first breakup, it was the way I'd imagined it would be, which explains why it didn't last. I felt her pulling away, I get needy in about 12 hours and it was way past the deadline, but I ignored it. I was supposed to head up to her place for my day off, so I called her before I left work to let her know I was coming. The store was still open, customers were browsing but they soon faded away and I turned into the nightmare saleschick glued to the phone.
"Do you still want me to come up?" I asked. "Uh...no", she replied. "Do you want to break up with me?" "Yes". After a few minutes of controlled weeping at the store, I headed home, where she was to call me back. Why do these things take so damn long, as if stretching it out will somehow change the outcome?
After at least 2 hours on the phone at my house, I was done. Drained and tired, but resigned. All along, I'd known it wasn't going to work so it wasn't really surprised this time. I was grateful for the fun summer we'd had and more content than I wanted to be to let it go.
I kept saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. It was hot and I wanted to have my friend Bec over to drink the vodka I'd bought earlier that week and commiserate, but every time I hung up the phone, Marcia was on the other end to make sure I was "okay." I think I was more "okay" than she'd expected, and she wanted to create a stir before hanging up. I never did give her that pleasure and finally I got to call Bec. We polished off the vodka and passed out. Good thing I didn't have to work the next day.
Right now, there's a wave of breakups in the lesbians I know. While Andrea and I have our share of disagreements, the last thing I want is to be part of that wave. Breakups are no fun, I think it's way too easy to walk away from something that's working when it hits a bumpy patch these days. It's the value in knowing her better after that bumpy patch that gets me through it.
A lot of lesbians I know remain friends after they break up, the logic being that whatever connection that brought them together is still there. It makes for weird moments in get-togethers when you realize that you're the only person in the room who hasn't slept with everyone else.
The Instant Messenger is a very cool thing for communication, but it's also very good for stalking. I have a few people who I never talk to, but I watch with Sadistic Interest to see when they are, knowing that I could freak them out and make them log off in an instant by sending them a message. The Internet does give you power, I'm just not sure it's a very sane kind of power.
I had no idea that the Iron Chef had a website. I guess that's because it's not officially his. Amy and I had a fine inebriated nite where I swore that the close ups of the finished products were actually the PIP feature of my TV gone awry. Later, I was forced to hang out with these people's kids since at 27 I'm not old enough to be considered worthy of grown-up conversation but I'm certainly too old to hang out with the 10 and 15 year old kids that were there. So we turned the kids on to the Iron Chef, we were all cracking up when one of the "grownups" came in and said that he loved this show, although I think he took it seriously while we were laughing our asses off at the poor voice overs.
All of a sudden, I don't care. Don't want to read my email, don't want to blog, just want to stew in whatever I think is wrong with my life.
The image captured on this lovely tv is hilarious.
My former employer, Welcome to Clip2, has redesigned yet again. Bottom line -- you can make it look pretty but that doesn't matter if your product doesn't make any sense.
Glad to see that some states understand that being gay isn't too different from being straight. I know, maybe you're thinking, yes it is, but let me assure you, aside from the obvious physical differences, the same things apply. Love, taxes, money, cleanliness, who has the remote. It's just life.
Sometimes I forget how cool the web is but then I'm able to chat online with my mom, 3,000 miles from here and I remember, the web is cool. It brings us together in ways we'd never imagined.
This is just plain funny.
Memo from our HR person today that was too good to ignore:
THERE WILL BE SOME WORK DONE TO THE CEILING IN THE COMPUTER ROOM TODAY BETWEEN 3:00 - 4:00 THAT MAY SOUND LIKE MUFFLED GUN SHOTS. PLEASE DO NOT GET ALARMED.
We saw 28 days last night. Reviews I'd read said that I shouldn't expect much, maybe that's why I was pleasantly surprised. Essentially, it's a much funnier way to seize the day than Dead Poets Society offered. Thumbs up.
Even though we can hardly afford it, we're headed to Disneyland for a weekend soon. For me, half the fun is in the planning so I'm wrapped up in reservation mania right now.
Last night a snail made it's way into our living room. I came down and there was the tell-tale trail of snail goo from the patio door all the way to my favorite pillow. Naturally, my first reaction was what the hell did the dogs do but I soon figured it out. Weird.
Finally, INS to remove Elian from Miami home, and no shit "Doctor says Elian 'horrendously exploited' by U.S. relatives".
Lately, my job has included a lot of work in PowerPoint, which some may argue is a big waste of time as an application. And yet my skills in this medium (my current boss has forced me to view this tool as a medium, she makes slides for EVERYTHING, it's just how she communicates) are improving. Given the stock market's current downward spiral, it's inevitable that the skills I'm gaining on this project will make their way to my resume, perhaps someday they'll even get me a job. Does that mean I've sold out to the dark side or that I'm just trying to keep that competetive edge? For now, I'll call it keeping the edge.
Thank God. John Schneider has a webpage.
Proof of the unintentional mullet.
Yes, it's true. I changed the name again. Why? Because I noticed this morning that my once finely-shaped hairdo has become a mullet. I'm trying to grow it out for reasons I can't explain (I mean really, I'm not that girlie anymore, and long hair gets in the way during sex, if memory serves) and along this path to longer follicles, I have sprouted a mullet complete with Dorothy Hamill-esque wings. I'm due for a haircut next month (I think) and I'll emphatically demand that this mullet be removed while I'm there.
Andrea's home sick from work today. She's got a sore throat and had a fever all weekend. Which means that she's sick enough to stay home but not to sick to stay off-line or to prevent her from calling me every 5 minutes. This also means that every one of our friends who work with her are IM'ing me to see if she's okay.
Everyone, Andrea is okay. She'll be back at work tomorrow.
I was thinking about the fiction that seems *so* real that I found a couple of days ago. It had an immediacy to it that made me feel completely inferior, but the more I think about it, I'm okay with writing fiction-like fiction. The kind of fiction that seems so real, it's like reading a column seems to me, untruthful. There I am, reading along, minding my own business, thinking that I'm gaining a very personal insight into someone only to be socked in the gut when I find out it's fiction. By no means is this kind of writing bad, it's simply something I can't do.
Answers to all your questions about toast from Dr. Toast.
More on my Mahir kick. It's so worth the download.
Liz write post like Mahir. I blog everyone!! Wishing only happy for all read blog daily. I can invitate all web people to see blog mine.
Good to know that Microsoft doesn't always act like The Man.
I am not sure why MAHIR is so damn funny but I'm sitting here weeping.
At Tuesday's company volleyball game, one of my excellent co-workers' car got hit by a baseball from the little league team that practices at the same park where we play. The baseball coach was doing an infield drill, hitting the ball short distances and Miguel's car was parked too close, which in this case meant on the street in a legal parking spot. Miguel went up to the coach to get his information in case the paint fell off of this nice-sized dent. The coach (aka Coach Crackhead) went off on Miguel, saying that if we weren't playing volleyball there (we avoid the sand court because the neighborhood cats do not avoid it), he wouldn't have hit his car. Even though there's plenty of park for everyone.
So, Miguel gets riled up too, and tells Coach Crackhead that "as a coach, you should..." set an example, not be such a jerk in front of the kids, etc. At this point, the coach is starting to swing the bat in Miguel's direction and the other coaches are rallying around Miguel, trying to keep him from being hit with the bat. He eventually got away from Coach Crackhead, but today's lesson is:
Never say "you should..." anything to an angry man with a bat.
Thanks, Miguel for reminding us all of this very important lesson.
Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. Read it, read it all. I'm sure it will prompt most of us to go back to surfing, blogging, shopping and chatting from the safety of our computers but maybe someone will pause and rush outside to breathe unfiltered air, to remember that sunsets in real life will always look better than in streaming video.
It's way too easy to forget that outside of the Web, there is a big world waiting for your input. Input and output means more than just the clacking of keys, it's the heated discussions that bring change, it's the mother's song to her child, it's the way I talk to my dogs in the mommy voice so they know my words are intended for them. It's the look they give me when I get online at home, the look that says 'you do this enough during the day, this is OUR time with you. Yes, yes it is, my darling girls.
Why can't I have these realizations when it's time to go home instead of at 1 pm when I still need to be here for a few hours?
Just goes to show you that anyone can get venture capital money.
This morning I dreamt about Mahir. He was standing at the foot of my bed in a green speedo, dancing and saying "I kiss you". I kept telling him to wait while I adjusted my webcam, so I could share this exciting moment with my readers, all the while thinking how unbelievable this was. Then I woke up to see our new dog Ellie at the foot of my bed itching herself.
There is a ton of really funny stuff on this site. Not much to look at on first glance, but worth the click to some of the images.
Mahir is nothing new, but still excellent in oh so many ways. Maybe he inspired Roberto Benigni's 1999 academy awards speech...
I've had my Passat since January of 1999. I loved it, or I thought I did, but really, I loved the idea of it. So grown up, yet sort of youthful, especially in black. Now I find myself eyeing the subaru outback sedan and the outback sport. And no, it's NOT because Martina is pushing them now and they advertise in gay magazines. I don't need a gay car, just a hip car.
Here I am, at Ground Zero of the information age, where changing the world has changed the landscape from orchards to office parks. First Apple, then Netscape and who knows what's coming next. In this environment, it's easy to assume that everything you work on will change the world. After all, that's what Silicon Valley is all about. Certainly, money is important, but deep down, everyone wants to do something that has a lasting impact on how people think, act, or do business. I'm afraid that beyond's lasting impact has become a litany of things not to do. Everywhere I look, there's another article ripping them apart for almost everything they've ever done. Is it because they were the first to bite off more consumers than they could chew? Because the rush to hire and the lack of solid candidates created a team of upper management that knew little or nothing about what we were trying to do (change the way the world buys software)? I have no idea but knowing that a place I used to call home (and honestly, some days I walk into work and still expect to see my cube and my friends from beyond and am rudely awakened by the reality of my new job -- my 3rd since leaving beyond) is being held up as an example of what not to do saddens me. We did our best.
I no longer long to change the world, instead I want to go to work with people I like, work on something interesting, get a decent salary with funds that are actually there and not have to give every night and weekend to my job. Maybe, if I get lucky, my company will get bought out and I'll walk into a small windfall, but more likely, it will just go on as everything else does, somewhere in the middle of greatness.
Tell me that this little boy is not being coached. I dare you. No matter where he is, he's going to be brainwashed, either by our capitalistic consumer society or Castro's.
A really good story. Most of the stories I read online seem so real that I wonder how they can possibly be fiction. This one is no exception. Why isn't my fiction like that? My stuff always has the aura of being made up, even when it's not.
Has the internet bubble burst? Was the initial rush to set up shop a gold rush and now only the strongest of prospectors are still around? It could be good, I was getting tired of watching people become millionaires while I wasn't.
My new #1 reason not to smoke? Rectal cancer. Who wants a disease that would invariably require many many instruments to be inserted in their butt repeatedly? Not me.
It's about time that the real owners of paintings and other works of art stolen by the Nazi's be returned to their rightful owners. Now what about all the stolen money?
IKEA is coming. Actually, it's here. I drove by it when I was picking up Ellie from the shelter in Berkeley. The building is a lovely blue and yellow masterpiece and on that day, 12 days before it opens, it was surrounded by a surreal sea of empy parking spaces waiting to be filled in the name of consumption, billy bookcases, and swedish meatballs.
The first time I set foot in an IKEA was last spring, when I visited Amy in Pittsburgh. At that time, I didn't know about the meatballs, thinking only that this was a nifty furniture store. Little did I know that it's a wonderland of great names for ordinary things like the SUFFL�R entertainment center or the KVADRAT kitchen.
That was the same trip where I met my 1/2 sister for the first time. I spent 3 days with Amy, then drove from Pittsburgh to exciting Mansfield, the armpit of Ohio. Meeting her wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. She brought her boyfriend so the evening was decidedly lopsided and instead of feeling this insane family connection like I do with the other part of my birthfamily, I just felt pretty uncomfortable.
Decided to stop trying not to curse. For as long as I can remember, I've been cursing like a sailor and I feel like I'm missing something if I don't.
The saga of non-quality people bringing non-quality dogs into the world continues... these people are trying to make it seem as if they have great dogs. Don't be fooled -- the backyard breeding that goes on with groups like these brings hundreds of thousands of unwanted, unhealthy dogs into the world with the hope of making a profit. Then when these breeders can't sell the dogs, or they don't breed well, the dogs end up in shelters and with rescue groups, often scared and hard to place because of the trauma of their time at the puppy mills.
This is just a day of being reminded about stuff that makes my blood boil.
Oh, and for the record, beyond's IPO was in June, 1998, not December as newsweek erroneously reported.
This Newsweek article, Dot-Coms Over a Barrel, really pissed me off. Specifically, "According to interviews with several former Beyond.com staffers, people started boycotting the company's Friday beer gatherings."
There were only a handful of folks who did this, among them a woman who was hired for no salient reason other than being a higher-up's friend. In the few months this woman was there, she did no work and made no effort to be part of the team. And now she's got the gall to go to the media and make it sound like she was part of what we were doing there and somehow became disgruntled because Brier was an idiot?
As my grandmother says, she's got some nerve!
I'm not saying that things didn't suck at beyond at times, they did. I'm just saying that this woman has no right to talk about it as if she was actually there and a part of it. She wasn't. So hey lady, shut the hell up. You weren't there anyway.
My toe got so sore that I actually went to the doctor. Mainly because it was interfering with my ability to walk the dogs. I hadn't been to the dr. in so long that not only has she moved to a new building, they lost my chart in that move.
I was hoping for something glamorous like a fracture but it's just tendonitis. She did ask me if I wanted crutches, all I could think was you can't walk 2 dogs on crutches, so I settled for a very sexy ace bandage and some drugs.
My latest blog creation will document Ellie's valiant struggle against cancer.
Scroll down to the bottom to see Jakob, the dog who's about to be Bark Mitzvahed.
Talk about putting your entire life on the Web. my email. Personally, I find this a little creepy, but it's oddly intruiging at the same time.
I've become Yahoo-dependent. My work email doesn't support POP servers, so I can't get any email right now. It hurts, it hurts!
While trying to dig up the dirt on the candle party people, I found Deedra's Home Page which scares me in ways I can't quite define.
Had the unfortunate experience of attending a PartyLite candle party yesterday. The woman selling the candles was guided by an aura of desperation that made me not want to buy and the candles were expensive and boring. Thumbs down.
There's been a great deal of controversy about Rimadyl, allegedly used for arthritis in dogs, but prescribed routinely for older dogs in pain for a variety of reasons.
Well, we were pretty sure that Ellie had checked out. She wouldn't get up, wouldn't eat (for a beagle, this is a HUGE deal) and had no interest in anything. Our vet gave her some Rimadyl and today she's a new dog, walked a mile with Alice and I this morning. She's also been getting up in the middle of the night to bark so we cut back the dosage, hoping that she'd be just groggy enough to sleep through the night. I know this drug causes death in some (roughly 1%) of dogs, I'm extremely grateful for the time it's giving Ellie and my mom's dog Buddy.
Both of these dogs were at death's door before they got this drug, now their quality of life has improved a great deal. I'm so greatful for that.
My new clarinet just arrived. As anticipated, it's a piece of crap but if I can use it long enough to figure out whether or not I enjoy playing it then it's worth the $65 I paid for it.
Wow. Now this takes the cake. Create A Fart
I'm not sure why Columbus Ohio's skyline is featured here but if you ever wondered what my hometown looks like, now you know.
Somehow Andrea got ahold of my favorite badge picture ever. See for yourself.
I miss the Talking Moose. Although I see that he's making a comeback, just like disco!
OHMYGOD Netscape 6.0 is in preview and it looks like a combination of Solaris, AOL and Flash. Oh, that I wish I were kidding.
There's a tendency to reinvent the wheel on the Web because it's always changing, but change for the sake of change is not necessary, in fact it's a step backwards.
Do you ever wonder what the caption below your name would be if you were on tv? It depends on the context, I guess. If you were on Jerry Springer because your wife left you for an ex-nun then it would be different than if you were on the news because your house was robbed. But wouldn't life be so simple if who you were and what you were about could be summarized neatly for television viewers?
Today I think I'd be Liz, concerned parent of a sick dog.
I'm not sure why this little window disturbs me so much. Is it necessary to have a pop-up window to describe every person involved with Elian?
My loan finally went through!! Just called my bank to hear that my balance is $23,452. It will only be that high for one day, today, but I'm going to pretend like it's always that high, like writing checks for $21K is something I do all the time.
Amy found this gem, a letter from Michael Moore to Elian Gonzales. It's everything I'd want to say. Janet Reno is right, if that boy was American and trapped in a foreign land, we'd be storming the place to get him home. Never mind that if he was an adult, he'd be either sent back to Cuba or detained in a refugee camp right now.
Haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I think the new dog is sicker than we think, today she can't walk on the leg with the tumor at all. Why is it that I've known her for less than a week and already it's as if she's been with us forever? Maybe it's because she's been through so much already and I just want her to be comfortable.
Finally got pictures of the dogs and our recent beagle gathering uploaded. Here they are.
Why is it that I can have someone's email, voice mail, cell phone and pager numbers, and yet I'd rather walk over to their office to see if they're here than use any of those other methods of communicaton?
Just heard from the vet about Ellie's (the new dog) tumor. It's so extensive that he didn't want to remove it before getting the biopsy back. If they can remove it, she'll need an orthopedic surgeon to do it. We've had her for 4 days and this news still devestates me as if she'd been with us for years.
I can't even imagine how good life would be if my company offered pet insurance.
Mullets are everywhere!