I have in my possession an offer from a company that, by all of my self-imposed standards, meets every criteria that I have. It's close to home, will let me bring the dogs, has a fast-paced environment, interesting co-workers, and free soda. And yet, when I opened the envelope, I started crying. I don't get it.

I hate changing jobs, hate it. It's a real pain in the ass.

If this lovely Beetle wasn't $135, I'd buy it. It's so fab-u-lous! Thanks to my fine brother for this one.

I'm proud to announce the arrival of the Do-It-Yourself POPE on my office wall. It's caused many of my co-workers to sqwack out loud, myself included!

I realized that I hadn't travelled anywhere recently, so I took a little trip to visit the Pope.

Just when I thought the web couldn't get any better, along comes the Do-It-Yourself POPE. Benedictions to Pith and Vinegar for this link to holy goodness.

Don't let me forget to tape Rudy on Oprah next week. Thanks to the fabulous Amy for the inside scoop.

Dan is truly a Pain in the ASS.


It's true, I'm a lameass and haven't blogged at all today. It all started with a crazy lunch, followed up by some seriously souped up mudslides. Now I'm too buzzed to leave and too buzzed to work. What to do, what to do.


For all my friends who've heard me say I went to school with this guy who rides BMX bikes for a living, here he is!

For some unknown reason, I'm feeling the sadistic pull to find members of my high school class. Hey Dan! Check these kids out! Funny, reading their names brings up a friend who has had carnal knowledge of all of them. Talk about your claim to fame.

Today's New Feature
Liz.Longer, featuring the font used in the opening credits to the Mary Tyler Moore show!

Took Amy to a surprise location for lunch: Harry's Hofbrau. The experience begins when you walk up to the place and see the turkeys roasting on a spit in the window, backlit with heat lamps. Inside, it could be anywhere in Ohio, all this heavy wood and the smell of sauerkraut wafting towards you. Yum yum!!

Hey Dan! You look exactly like your dad in that picture.

I don't know why people think it's okay to be rude.
This morning I was walking the dogs, minding my own business. As I left my house, I saw a woman with a kid on a scooter walking around. Towards the end of our walk (the same walk we take every day), I see the woman again. I smile my polite smile, not knowing if the kid will want to pet the dogs.

I'm just starting this smile when the woman says to me in a loud voice DON'T POOP ON MY LAWN. I assume she meant the dogs, since I don't usually poop outdoors. The kid echoes this order so I'm feeling attacked by both an adult and a charming 4 year old. Just to reaffirm her position, she says it again, in case I'm deaf or something.

Meanwhile I'm standing there with a bag of poop that I've removed from other people's lawns, good urban dog parent that I am. I hold the bag out to her and say "uh, I clean it up. Sorry other people don't do the same." Walking away, I muttered my most sarcastic "nice".

If I see her again, will I have the balls to say something like "I'm not sure why you were rude to me but it really bothered me. Had you asked if I pick up the poop I would have gladly discussed it with you but by shouting at me you effectively prevented us from having a civil relationship"??

Probably not, I'll just smile my polite smile and walk on by with my bag of poop.


Oh my god! Mr. Mackey sings Carol of the Bells is so funny.

I am not a superstitious person, but....

Since 1988, the end of August has sucked ass for me. It all started when my friend was killed in a car wreck on August 29, 1988. She was 17 and was NOT wearing a seatbelt, teaching me important things about pain, loss and the importance of seatbelts. I also lost my virginity that day, which I gladly wouldn't have remembered the date of had my friend not been killed.

A year later, my cousin was born on that day so I got a year off.

In recent years, I've been dumped (Aug. 28, 1995), my mom's dog Buddy was diagnosed with terminal cancer (August 28, 1999). Here this little dog had effectively brought my mom back to herself, back to life, and now he's being taken from us? This year, all of my friends at work were laid off (Aug 23, 2000) and my rent was raised a shitload (Aug. 27, 2000).

In the grand scheme of things, this year (so far) hasn't been too bad but I won't breathe easy until the 30th.

I've actually been too busy to blog lately. That's crazy!

It was an eventful weekend. Ellie's hunger strike had gone too far, she couldn't poop, so I took her into the vet Saturday morning. The vet suspects a reaction to her pain medication so she's off that, but she also gave us some new food to try and now she's eating like a pig, with food all over her ears and nose.

Then I was off to Santa Cruz for my final haircut with my fabulous stylist, who is moving to NY. Great for her, but sucks ass for my hair!

Sunday, our landlord finally called. She wants to raise the rent by "only $400" since we're "good renters". Thanks.


Hyped up on booze and nowhere to go
Every day since the layoffs, the kids at my office have had booze fests. You just can't beat getting hyped up on margaritas and watching cable during the work day! Today's drinking game was every time someone said "what are they gonna do? Fire you?" we had to drink. So we did.

Before the layoffs, I thought for sure that my number was up, that I'd be outta here so I started interviewing. Then when I found out that I wasn't laid off, I didn't know what to do. Propelled by morbid curiousity and too polite to cancel, I went for round 2 with a company yesterday. It was worth my time just for the fictionalizable value of the folks I met, including a hard-core engineer who knew nothing to ask except "how do you make a directory in UNIX" and "how would you code a table that would look like this:"



Hi There

Which, as you can see, I can. Had any of these people taken 10 minutes to look at my portfolio, all of which is available online via the always-convenient Internet, they could have seen the kinds of things I've produced instead of trying to tout their trumped up egos by asking me stupid "HTML questions".

I don't mind preparing for interviews by learning about the company but I do mind when the people interviewing me don't even take the time to read the description of the job I'm applying for, let alone don't read my resume. Is the Internet economy too big and too fast to allow for common courtesy?

Which, of course, is a rhetorial question. I know that this crazy Internet business keeps everyone moving at the speed of light but maybe it's time to take a hard look at what it's doing to respect.

How the hell did my drunken lunch story become a diatribe on the exciting world of dot-coms? As Rudy said "uh, I dunno."

My grandma was scheduled to come home from the nursing home next week, they'd hired a live-in person and everything was all set. But now, the live-in person has said (and I'm not kidding) that the devil is conspiring to keep her from reporting to work. So the move is back to square one, thanks to the devil.


Looking for some new shoes? Ebay is featuring "Survivor" Sonja's Sneakers!. Thanks to Mr. Matt S. for this one

Amy found this gem: Sole Survivor Covers.


I hereby declare Mr. Hot Shit™ Egg Boy after that round picture on his blog. Here's to the adventures of Egg Boy!

1 day since the layoffs and it still feels awful. There isn't much work going on, just a constant inventory of who's here, who's already gone and who's leaving later. Sometimes I forget, think that everything's okay, but a walk in the hall only shows me the same long faces and whispered conversations. Then it all comes back -- my friends don't work here anymore.

From my mom:
Nancy Kerrigan's dad wins $1 million in the lottery. And I didn't even like her!

I just closed my MBNA credit card account. It was so painful, they have people waiting to pounce on you, telling you things like 'you have a fabulous card there, are you sure you want to close it?' Please, please, lady, I beg of you, just close the account. I had to say 'I just want to close the account' no less than 5 times. Ugh.

Being part of a layoff is similar to being pregnant, having a sick dog or a small child: every asshole on the street wants to give you advice. I ran into my neighbor last night and he asked why I was so bummed. This weird guy was with him and the guy starts spouting off about what I should do. LIKE I ASKED YOU. Unless someone asks for your advice, don't give it!


I've never been through layoffs before, but there I was, looking around the room and knowing that this was the last time we'd all be together. Even for those who are staying, the future is uncertain. I'm just bummed.

Just to sum up what's going on with me right now:
And the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down
We're captured on a carousel of life
Going round and round and round in a circle game
--Joni Mitchell


Breakups are so damned painful and so personal, I'm so sorry that this wound up in the news: Wandering Anne Heche hospitalized. My breakups have always left me a complete mess, I can't imagine having the world know (and care) about it.

Thanks, Mr. Hot Shit, for saving this lovely webcam photo. It's so nice to see that he's waiting for my best moments.

In case you were wondering, getting Alice to sport the fez is an arduous task. She's really tired and would rather be napping than posing for centerfolds in the Shriner's magazine.

One day, I was walking Alice (at the time, we were a one-dog family) when I ran into some Spanish-speaking folks who wanted to know what her name was. I said "Alice" and the woman turned to her young son and translated "Alicia."

Woo hoo! My fez arrived. I'm totally stylin' now.

For a few minutes, the lovely Miss Alice took over my webcam.
Isn't she cute? Why did I have a camera before I had dogs to use it on?

Bought some really hip shorts this weekend. They're really long so I've decided that they're the ghetto version of capri pants.

Quote of the day: "The Internet is so convenient"
--Amy's mom

We had a serious moviefest this weekend. Lamenting our old age and that we never seem to stay up late partying or screwing like bunnies, we defied the odds and went to a 10:30 pm showing of Space Cowboys. Rebels are we! The movie was slow in parts but hell, so are we. For the most part, it was pretty good.

On Sunday we saw the Replacements, which was also worth seeing.

Taking Ellie (aka Mustafa) into the vet later this morning for her bi-weekly bandage change so I'm hanging out at home with them until we have to go. Both dogs follwed me upstairs and now I'm lucky enough to have Alice in front of me and Ellie at my side. They seem to both lay in the same position, it's super cute.

I'm so thrilled that Mr. Hot Shit is watching my webcam with such interest.


For all you Cypress Hill fans, here's a spanish rendition of Insane in the Membrane. Loco En El Coco.mp3. Thanks Matt

Lock up the corned beef! I got the Shmaltz!

Today's keyword seach: smoked chicken jesus. Bon appetit!

Did I mention that in June we went to a big-ass beaglefest? Most of the dogs spent the day playing and running around. But not my dogs, they loitered by the food tent all day.

Someone on one of my email lists just wrote in about her "adopted grandson." Why make that distinction? Do people not realize that inherent to being adopted is this distinction -- you don't look like anyone, may not act like anyone in your family and you have no idea why you do half the shit that you do. Isn't that enough without having your own grandparent point out that fact that you're not like the others?

Just talked to my mom, I swear she's hyped up on crank, she was talking so fast. I will only say that caring for your ailing loved ones is a real pain in the ass and sometimes, I wish I lived closer to my mom and could be more help. But then again, I have no less than 5 cousins who live in town so shit, I don't know.


What they hand out at coed Shriner's conventions:

I'm addicted to webcams and getting my fill here on the M e t a C a m P a g e. Get some!

Here's a marketing campaign that's sure to please:
Free Crack with Purchase!!

Anyone looking for a party? Jewfest!!! (YPK-Young Cool Hip Jews)Thanks, Amy, for the rice and for this gem!

New Feature: Daily Keyword Search
I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'll search for some weird-ass combination of words and post the results. Today's search: pants and toast. Enjoy!

It seems that everywhere I go, I'm followed by a nice man who is handing out rice.

Starting off my day with a hearty round of FUCKERS!! This spring I fought with Volkswagen Credit after I got a huge loan and paid off my lease. Eventually, I threatened legal action and got the title to my car. Today, I get a certified letter saying that they need some proof of insurance crap or they're going to terminate my lease. Hello? I paid it off, I own the car now. Fuck off.


No, folks, I can't see you from my webcam. Sorry, you'll just have to quit waving.

The impending Beyond.com delisting is so sad. I had a great time working there, learned a lot about dealing with people and did some cool stuff. It's hard to watch this happen to my old friend, especially since some of my favorite people are still there. I won't stop hoping that it will turn around.

Okay, I lied. Had lunch with the gang then decided to head into work. So here I am.

I'm taking the day off today. No really good reason, I'm just exhausted, so Liz will not be Speaking much today.


I forgot to mention that when I picked Alice up at the groomers, she was the biggest, butchest dog there. A little perspective: Alice is a mere 12 inches tall and weighs 18 pounds. It was a room full of toy poodles and other yippie dogs. And Alice. Totally cracked me up to see her dwarfing the froo-froo dogs.

Things that really really suck: Russian Mariners May Be Dead. I can't think of a more frightening way to die. At least not right now, I can't, while those 116 guys are dead or dying and there's nothing that can be done for them.

In case you're looking for one, this Flowbee, Original Home Haircutting System is for sale.

If I started a band, it would definitely be called Everything But the Fez.

Sign me up for the Hall of Innoventions! The LizCam now opens in a popup window for all you voyeurs. Enjoy.

Just picked up Stinky Alice from the groomers. She was so ready to get out of there that she started barking as soon as she saw me coming up the walkway. I totally forgot that they didn't take credit cards, so I had to leave a deposit of all the cash in my pocket, then come back. But she's no longer Stinky Alice, she's clean-smelling Alice and also really tired Alice, snoring behind me.

I'm so eager to get my new fez that I wanted to try it on before it arrived:
Don't I look great?

I forgot to mention that my grandmother (who lives 2578 miles from me, in lovely Columbus Ohio) is getting a discount on her wheelchair because I know the guy who builds them. The world is so damn small sometimes.

Just had a conversation with someone who managed to hit virtually all of my conversation sore spots. He had an unneutered dog, who he had planned to breed for the hell of it, then he asked if we'd thought about putting Ellie to sleep. No, asshole, we hadn't thought of that at all, we want her to be in pain and had you thought of neutering your dog so that there aren't more dogs without homes in the world????

I never know what the right thing to say would be. I may bitch later, but it's my nature to be polite in these situations, so I just said a very judgemental 'oh' to his aspiring backyard breeder story, kept mentioning that I work animal rescue and once again explained that Ellie is not in pain, and that we're paying close attention to her, letting her tell us when it's time to go.

I'm really trying to just let people be, to not get all irate when thier views aren't like mine, especially on issues near to my heart, but shit, it's hard. I'll let you be ignorant if you don't infer that I'm doing my dog a disservice by letting her live the life of Riley for as long as she wants to. How's that?

With stinky Alice at the groomer's for a full body wash, Ellie (aka Mustafa) insisted on coming in to work with me so she's here, sharing my breakfast. I can't really fault her, Capn Cruch has got to taste better than dog food.


Ebay is a never ending source of wonder.

Woo hoo! I just bought my very own Fez & Fez Case. Aren't you jealous?

Amy and I gave Ellie a new name this weekend: Mustafa.

Wow. My right butt cheek is twitching. Woo.

It wasn't just a weekend of doing good for the animals of the world, Sunday we went to the Small Brewer's Festival and drank way too much beer. My favorite brewer, by far, was the He'Brew, the Chosen Beer. Not only does it have a catchy name, it's fabulous beer.

We went to adoption day on Saturday since the kids who usually show the dogs for school credit are out of school. While we were there, we met the coolest little beagle, who we got to name Belle, after Bel Sha Zaar.

We took so many pictures of her that we had to make an album. We kept calling her Ms. Sha Zaar and cracking ourselves up.


Here it is, 5 pm on Friday and I'm wondering where the week went. I was hardly productive, and it wasn't for the lack of work, I'm just so damn tired. Last week's Road Trip™ took more out of me than I care to admit. Let's face it--I'm getting older. Yes, of course, I'm getting older every day, but this aftermath seems like a new milestone, like it's official, I'm no longer capable of doing something insane like driving cross country in a little over 2 days, without my body giving me the finger afterwards. Sigh.

Girl, you'll be a geezer soon.

Since I'm sure that Andrea isn't the only person who's been wondering about this, here are the words to the love boat TV theme song.

Liz, secret 17th castaway on Survivor island, or just the purveyor of an elaborate hoax? You be the judge.

No comment.

Another gem from the exciting world of Survivor: the Rich Dance. But today's great find comes from my fabulous houseguest Amy (not to be confused with the Big Brother houseguests), Rudy Reigns, which includes audio clips of Rudy's excellent gems of wisdom and more!

Thanks to my fabulous friend Thoma for this gem: Hey, everybody - it's Crazy Drunk Guy!


The Ebay Conceptual Art Gallery is just about the funniest thing ever. Link blatantly stolen from the ever-fabulous Gayle.

Something insanely cool happened on Big Brother last night--they got a dog. Not just any dog, but a rescue pug that will be in foster care with the house guests, then adopted after the show ends. I couldn't be happier about this addition to the show.

Little known fact: my recent travels also took me to the Survivor island.

A truly fabulous page of Rudy (aka Pain in the Ass) of Survivor--Rudy Boesch, SEAL Team TWO , The BullFrog. Caution: this page plays the Gilligan's Island theme song over and over.

Last night I drank way too much Dr. Pepper and got a serious case of the giggles. Just thinking about those pictures of me (see below) that i doctored yesterday got me going, then imagining the power of that as a running gag kept me laughing for a long ass time. Amy would feel the couch shake as my giggling reached a ferocious pace.

The true story of what goes on in animal shelters: View from inside the animal shelter. Working animal rescue means saving some animals, losing more than you save, but most importantly, it's cleaning up messes caused by other people's ignorance or lack of compassion.


Recently, a man I know informed me that he has the gout. Until that moment, I'd assumed that gout was one of those fabled diseases that you only read about since the advent of penicillin. Who knew? But now he has free reign to say, "yup, I've got the gout."

A boarding kennel in the bay area that did some rescue work has been shut down, resulting in a number of typically hard to place dogs becoming homeless. Check these cuties out!

It occured to me that my pictures of my recent Road Trip™ did not include me! So I've doctored a few of them to make it seem like I was there, since, in fact, I was there! That's right! Look at me! I had a great time!

You may think that my whole life is wrapped up in the dogs right now and hell, it may be. But I am still watching TV and can't wait for Survivor tonight. Even Big Brother has once again captured my interest.

So does that mean my whole life is watching TV and dealing with the dogs? No! Amy thought she had a rat in one of her bags last night, so we called Andrea, my brave woman, up to help. She took my oar (don't ask, but no, I don't canoe) and dissected the offending bag while Amy and I cowered in the hallway. There was no rat.

I spoke too soon, Alice is back at the vet's, where they're trying to revive her with fluids. She's breathing okay, but is so sluggish it's unreal. Usually she's quite peppy, especially for a girl who will be 11 in October. I know that worrying about her won't make her feel better but it's the only thing I can do, so that's what I'm doing.

Alice appears to be feeling better but it's like she's on a 5 second tape delay. Example: I dropped some Cookie Crisp on the floor and she didn't move to get it for a full 5 seconds. Normally, she's eaten such a little gem before I realize that I've dropped it.


Finally! The true, long and boring story of Our Road Trip. Okay, maybe it wasn't that boring.

Heard from the vet: Alice is still suffering from some unknown sort of malaise, but the good news is that there's no large foriegn object lodged in her belly. It's a game of wait and see right now so I'm waiting and wondering what we'll see.

Alice felt the urge to root through some of Amy's stuff last night, including the bag with clarinet reeds and razor blades. While I'm reasonably sure that Al is discerning enough to avoid anything that isn't food, I'm not sure that she skipped the reeds. She's getting x-rayed at this very moment.



Ack! My hairstylist is moving. What will I do without her???

The Survivor slide show is hysterical. Of course, if you don't dig Survivor then you won't find it funny.

We've spent a lot of time pondering Ellie's tumor and what to do about it but no matter what we say, we keep coming back to no, we don't want to do the surgery. It's been such a struggle to get her to a stable position, where she (sort of) trusts us and isn't in much pain that I don't want to mess with the precarious balance that every day is for her.

Today, she's happy. That's the best I can do for her.

Watched Anywhere But Here last night. I'd read the book, but not so recently that I sat there being pissed off that the details were different. The movie was different from the book, but entertaining just the same.

More about my trip is coming soon, I promise. I'm still pretty wiped out from the shenanigans.


Been back for two days and while I'm no longer hallucinating that the desk is a road, I still feel exhausted. The trip was good, fun for the most part. I stopped a few more times than I had let myself in the past, at the Greyhound Hall of Fame in Abilene Kansas (yes, Melinda, I got you a great gift!). I spent the whole time at the hall of fame showing off pictures of my niece and nephew, ShyGirl and Pele (who I'm convinced ought to be named Jake) the greyhounds to anyone who would look. We also hit every outlet mall that was open when we passed, and finally, at every little town in Nevada. My goal was to gamble every time we stopped and I did. More later, it's time for another post-trip nap.


We're finally back from Ohio. 2578 miles later I'm really tired but we're okay and Fred the aloe plant is too. More later, after I stop thinking that I'm driving the computer through Wyoming.


This is it, today's the day. I've had an exciting day already, playing bingo with Grandma at the nursing home and shopping for some last minute snacks at the fine midwestern grocery store. Amy's headed down here tonight, then it's off to the wild wild west we go! I have vowed to put a dollar in every slot machine in every gas station we pass in Nevada since the last time I drove through there I was 19 and unable to spin the magic slot wheel.

I'm looking forward to the trip and moreso, to being home in California once again.