Today, I am bored with the web.

Hat's off to Mr. Hot Shit™ for quitting his job yesterday. I'm not one to advocate just walking out but sometimes, people are so shitty that it's necessary. This was one of those times.

Recently, I broke the iMac in my office. Not sure how, but it wasn't working at all. So I headed to the lab (which, after the layoffs, seems more like a moseleum) to look for the OS software. I had a hard time finding the software, it eventually took a tall guy to find it on top of a tall-ass cabinet. But--I found some free Altoids. Woo hoo!

brig found this truly amazing link. Well said and here's to you, sir!

Depending on where you are in your job search, sometimes people say the word 'recruiter' with great disdain, as in "Ugh! I got a call from a recruiter today." but as the search goes on, the word seems a lot more promising. I'm not sure how I'm pronouncing it today.


Okay, so I'm thinking that even though it's novel and all to go out with my co-workers for lunch and drink beer, coming back to work and having to wait until I'm sober again is kind of a bad thing.

Lately, my whole life seems to be in a state of flux (not flax, flux). Everything from where I'm going to live to where I'm going to work, to what I think and feel about things that I used to take for granted. And it's all happening so fast that I have no choice but to sit back and watch, hoping that sometime Iater, I'll have the chance to sort it all out.

Yes, we signed a lease with our newly-crowned Evil Landlord. But it's for way too much money so we're scrambling to buy a house (or lovely townhouse) of our own. Never in my life did I dream that my "starter home" would be at least $350,000.


Who knew that laying logs was such a hot topic?

Since I know that Mr. Hot Shit reads my blog more often than he checks email: Hey Mr. Hot Shit!! Call me at home tonight before you do something rash. Then do something rash (like quitting your stupid-ass way-too-hard-on-you and those-assholes-ask-way-too-much-of-you job.

Brilliant observations from strangers about my dogs today:

Those dogs are old.
I thought beagles were much smaller than that. (Alice weighs 18.7 pounds and stands 12 inches tall. How much smaller can you get?)
That one (meaning Ellie) has cloudy eyes.
This one (again Ellie) doesn't like being petted. (No kidding, someone used to beat her)

Alice is totally in tune with my moods, something I often forget but am reminded of when I'm uncomfortable and she starts whining.

Looking for a great place to get vitamins? Vitamins.com is not it. I ordered some stuff on the 19th, it hasn't shipped yet, nor did they bother to tell me. Classy.

The EllieCam is now the Ellie and Alice cam.

Yesterday when I was walking my 2 dogs and our neighbor's dog, a man on a bicycle said to me "3 dogs." I said "yes, 2 points for you!"

I just realized that chipshot looks an awful lot like beyond did 2 years ago. Gee, why is that?


Given that Ellie is slipping away from us, a little more each day, we've decided to celebrate her birthday on her 1/2 birthday, October 1. Not that we really know her birthday since she was found wandering the streets of San Leandro in March, but April 1 was the day we picked her up so there ya go, instant birthday!

It's true, I have nothing to say today.


My first hockey class was this morning. Silly me for thinking that in the beginner class that people wouldn't know what they were doing. I don't know if these people read the course listing wrong or what but their overqualified selves spent a lot of time waiting for my oh-so-very-beginner ass to finish the drill. It was fun but hard work!

8:00 a.m. I arrive at the rink and start checking out my classmates. When a huge guy walks out of the dressing room, I realize that the women's league might be the place for me after all, that is, if I can get through this class.
8:15 a.m. Class starts by all these competent people skating laps while I stand there with a stunned look on my face, thinking, am I in the wrong place??
8:21a.m After a whopping 6 minutes in class, my calves are on fire from trying to skate backwards and I'm sweating but can't wipe my face since my helmet has a cage on the front.
8:28a.m. The instructors talk about skates and how they should fit but my feet hurt so badly that I can't concentrate.
8:30 a.m. I realize that I can take my glove off and poke one finger through my cage to remove some sweat. My burning calves have calmed down a bit and I'm starting to think I might get the hang of this.
8:38 a.m. Our instructor asks us to raise our arms, holding the stick. I'm not sure I can do that and I keep thinking I'm going to puke but trying to figure out how to get off the ice quick enough never mind taking off my helmet in time (which I just not realized could be a problem) stops me.
8:42 a.m. I realize that I've adjusted my helmet to be way too tight and my brain is being squished from the pressure.
8:48 a.m. They tell us how to stop but I was so slow doing my 2 laps around the ice that I miss all instructions.
8:49 a.m. I accept the fact that for now, my hockey stop is really just a hockey slow.
8:50 a.m. I go for the stop and fall flat on my face, my body in the position on the ground that you'd usually see chalk lines around.
8:51 a.m. From a very slow starting speed, I complete my first slow motion hockey stop.
9:00 a.m. When they ask us to skate in circles, crossing one foot over the other, I learn to ask for an easier excersize that I might be able to master.
9:15 a.m. My assigned final 2 laps around the track becomes one lap because I'm so damn slow. I rip my helmet off my throbbing head and head out. When I take off my padded shorts, my ass feels so much closer to the bench and I feel naked.

I drive home with all the windows open, covered in sweat and wondering if I'll ever feel cold again. I have a feeling that I'll be a repeat student in the beginner class.

Remember Belle the Magnificent? It looks like her time has run out, that her tumors have advanced to the point where nothing can be done. She's headed to the vet's tomorrow for a final confirmation of the extent of her illness, but chances are she'll be put to sleep tomorrow. Here's to you Ms. Belle, you touched my heart, thanks for passing though my life.


Lately, it's been bothering me that not everyone lives by the same moral code that I do. Short of actually practicing a religion, I choose instead to live according to the Golden Rule, you know, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, or be nice to everyone because if you're not it will kick you in the ass.

<Public Service Announcement>
Please kids, just try your best to be nice to each other, to the people you love, to your family, to the checkout guy at the Safeway. It goes a long way towards making the world a better place.
</Public Service Announcement>

Here's to being a grownup
I like being a grownup. I like having a (reasonably) stable income of my own, setting my own schedule, choosing what I'm going to eat and when, taking care of my dogs and my home. Most importantly, I love the freedom that's come from finally understanding myself. You don't like me? I don't care. I really don't.

By no means does this mean that I really don't care what anyone thinks, but rather that I do not live or die by anyone's approval the way I did when I was younger and less self-assured. I don't spend long evenings pondering who I am and what it all means, instead, I'm enjoying the freedom of having a life that I love.

Announcing a limited time engagement of Ellie on the LizCam, for your dog-watching pleasure. Enjoy!

We went to Dave and Busters for Andrea's birthday last night. That place rules! The best game is the Star Wars Episode 1 Racer, where you sit in Anakin's pod and drive. I couldn't stop playing it. I'm sure I'll be back for more.

Ellie's at work with me again today. This time there is a host of other dogs, including 5 King Charles Spaniels, all of whom felt obligated to accost Ellie in the breakroom. Surrounded by a roomful of yipping dogs, she kept her cool, woo wooing at them to show them who's boss.


I have the dogs here at work with me and when I go to the bathroom, I take them in with me so they can roam around, and more importantly, don't get into anything in my office. I did not realize that not only was I not alone in the bathroom, but the other person in there is scared of dogs until I heard this loudass 'ack!' Ellie had strolled into her stall. Oops.

If a tree falls in the forest and I blog about it, but nobody reads, did it really happen?


Marci and Christopher's Wedding
Fine Wedding Photos
See the happy couple doin' their thing!

Look at me! I'm part of my brother's wedding!

Talk about dumb: Wisconsin university inserts black student among whites in photo. This sounds more like a headline from the Onion.

The Job Title Generator has named me Emancipated Stuff Headline Honcho. That's Ms. Emancipated Stuff Headline Honcho to you!

Hey brig, I think you can top Web Prima Donna for a title, but only with Web Bitch or just plain Ho.

Here is a bad-ass VW Squareback converted to look like a german police car replica. Someday, my Weezy will be proudly featured at VW shows along with cars like these.

Pages like this are about as close as I get to looking at porn.

The sweetest story from the Olympics so far was Eric Moussambani from Equatorial Guinea. He was in the slowest qualifying heat for the 100 meter freestyle, but he'd never swam that far before, training in a small hotel pool, only since March. When his two other competitors in the heat disqualified, it was him all alone. The crowd went crazy for the unemployed man, when he finished, the cheering made him think that he'd won a medal.

More than gold medal counts and arrogant rivalries, moments like this swim are what the Olympics are all about.

Right now, we're taking care of my neighbor's dog, Percy, the girlie shih-tzu, who is actually a guy. I walked Alice, Ellie and Percy together this morning. Talk about a pain in the ass!

I'm speechless and smell like gas (and ass) from driving my fine squareback.


If you called me right now, you'd be forced to say that you caught me 'in a mood'. So don't call.

My AOL IM connection has been restored, at least part time. Wanna find out for sure? Talk to me but not for long since my ass is supposed to be working.

Now that the wedding is over, I'd like to fast for a month. I'm still full from last Thursday's rehearsal dinner, which was 5 courses of fabulousity, followed by the big dinner wedding and two more days of hearty eating. I'm a big ball of bloatedness.

Today's moment of exhausted stupidity:
After fixing Ellie's breakfast, I turned my attention to Alice's meal. I put her pills in (hypothyroid and allergies, if you want to know) then put her bowl down for her to eat. Except, of course, that I forgot to put the food in as well. She just stood there looking at me like I'm a bad mommy, or more like a stupid-ass mommy. Sorry, Al.


I am indeed a Napster fan, but Barenaked Ladies battle Napster with 'Trojan' downloads is pretty damn funny.

Today, someone handed me a pile of shit as if it was a gift.

The true story of what's going on with me.
I'm trying to help save 40 dogs that are living in some pretty nasty condidtions. Their owner isn't too receptive to the idea of giving them up so it's going to be a struggle to save them.

I've been looking half-heartedly for a new job. Maybe I've been in denial about what's going on here but as more and more of my friends pack up their offices and go on interviews, I know it's getting to be time to move on.

The wedding is over, the families have returned home. We're all exhausted but it was a great ceremony and a wonderful party. I think my brother and Marci are happy but tired.


There's no way I could say this better, so I won't even try. The Right to Be Ordinary says pretty much everything I think about being gay.

Drove my Squareback to work today, then sat here for 20 minutes wondering why I smelled so bad. Then I remembered, it's the fumes.

This morning I tried to clean up the house a bit. While halfway through emptying the dishwasher, I noticed that the dishes didn't seem clean. I kept putting them away until I realized that they were, in fact, dirty. It's been a long week, kids.

Want to help a dog in need and get a free t-shirt? Donate to Annie's fund today.

My parents sold their house yesterday. It was on the market for all of two days, and just like that, our family history was sold to the highest bidder. They'll be closing on both our house and their new house on the same day, I'll be headed back to help them out with it, because they haven't moved in 30 years but more importantly because I can't stand the thought of just not going to my house when I arrive. If I help with the process, it should make things a bit easier.

Last night's rehearsal dinner was fabulous. I met the rest of Marci's family and we all had a fine time. Of course, I'm now totally exhausted and there's still the wedding to go tonight, but I'm up for the challenge.


Sometimes I'm just too nice, I let people change my plans for me and don't say anything. When I do finally say something, you all seem surprised. All I ask for is a little consideration, is that too much?

What this means is that I've finally hit the point where I can't just sit back and be walked on. My life has been a crazy mess for the last month, I'm no longer a person, I'm just a mass of moving stress and I can't handle changing my plans around anyone else anymore.

My AOL Tale of Woe

I've had an AOL account since 1995, when I lived in Portland and the options were few. While I worked at beyond, I found myself doing a lot of work for our store on AOL so I ended up getting the account free. When I left A YEAR AGO I changed the billing back to myself. End of story, or so I thought.

In that year, I've been paying faithfully for the account but it turns out that beyond has too. On Tuesday, someone at beyond noticed my account still on their books and called AOL to shut it off. Nobody bothered to check, to see that I've been paying for it myself, they just cancelled my account. Countless hours on the phone with them yielded nothing but frustration, I'm ready to have a lawyer call and get my account turned back on for me.

My brother's getting married tomorrow to a fabulous woman, I'm looking forward to a long, enjoyable union for them. Families on both sides have gathered for the event, Marci, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, spent the day ferrying family from the airport to San Fransisco. My job was a bit easier--gather my parents and entertain them for the day. Here are some highlights:

The 'homeless' guy with a sign that said 'homeless, hungry, anything helps' who stood up at the end of his workday, put his sign and milk crate into a free newspaper dispenser, walked to his car and drove home.

Riding a full cablecar uphill and trying to hold on for dear life while pretending that the experience was charming.

Sitting through a carful of family with driving tourette's--"turn here! No! Now, turn here."

Meeting Marci's fabulous parents, both of whom entertained me to no end. The best quote of the evening "that Jeb Bush's wife! Someone should hide her under a teepee," followed only by "if you don't take this leftover cake home, that's a sin." I took the cake home.


There are 8 million things going on, none of which I can talk about. It's really not as exciting as one might think, but I can't talk about them right now anyway. Although this is blogging, not talking anyway.


I do not like extraneous vegetables on my burgers. McDonald's makes a great chicken sandwich but then they fuck it up with a head of lettuce and more mayo than the state of Ohio allows on all the school lunches combined.

Updating my resume is a pain in the ass. I often leave things out because I assume that everyone uses them, important things like CSS and CVS which seem pretty obvious to me, but I guess they're not to everyone else. Oops.

A line I'd like to add to my resume:
I can FTP my ass to the moon.

There's really nothing worth mentioning today.


Media Partners for Pets is working with Disney to prevent the overflow of unwanted dalmations after the upcoming release of 102 Dalmations. They even have Bob Barker as a spokesperson!

Andrea pointed out one missing item from my Weekend Roundup™. We found a stray dog outside McDonald's yesterday and brought him to the Humane Society. He's been adopted out just 2 days earlier, he still had his stictches from being neutered so I was pretty sure that someone would be looking for him. Sure enough, his people arrived to pick him up while we were there so it was all good.

The end of an era--Bobby Knight is fired. Significant because he had a great record for developing great teams but an equally memorable repuation for being quick to fly off the handle, yell at anyone in his path and be ejected from his own games. Farewell, Mr. Smarty Pants.

This was so funny, I had to include them all, welcome to my life. If you don't get the jokes, consider yourself lucky, that means you're not from Ohio.
You know you're from Ohio if:
  1. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
  2. You measure distance in minutes.
  3. Down south to you means Kentucky.
  4. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
  5. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
  6. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
  7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  8. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
  9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
    Example: "Where's my coat at?
  10. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  11. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
  12. You carry jumper cables in your car.
  13. You know what pop is.
  14. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  15. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  16. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
  17. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but sports requires six pages.
  18. You find-20 degrees F "a little chilly".
  19. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
  20. You know if another Ohioan is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
  21. You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
  22. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Ohio friends!

It was a big weekend.
My parents found a house that they really like and are putting a bid on it. Of course it currently belongs to the crazy aunt of the guy I dated in high school. I want to be supportive because it is the right thing to do, they're leaving 2 story place for a ranch, where even if they can't walk anymore, they'll be able to get around. But they're selling my house. My whole life happened there, at least the first 21 years.

I finally signed up for the hockey class I've been talking about taking for almost 2 years. It starts at 8:15 am on the 23rd, I can't wait. To accompany this new endeavor, I had to get some hockey gear, which I can't wait to use.

In preparation for my parent's arrival, I got my car washed. Usually, I put this off because then I sit there analyzing every inch of the car and being pissed because it's not perfect. But this time they really did a shitty job so I'm fuming but will go back today and take advantage of their 24 hour guarantee. Fuckers.


All this office drinking makes it hard to leave early, since we're all kinda drunk.

A really good article:NAIA: Redefining pet overpopulation: The no-kill movement and the new jet-setters.

I guess things have changed quite a bit in the 10 years since I went to college if these things are what every new college entrant needs for their journey.


My $.02 worth on finding a new job.

I think it finally hit me, that most of my co-workers are out of a job, that the people who make every day here fun won't be here in a few weeks. It feels like shit and I'm having a hard time looking for a job.

I still have an offer outstanding but there's something wrong about it, I'm not sure if I'm just so bummed about the layoffs here that I can't think right or if it's just not the right thing. Ugh.

It's all such a pain in the ass.

I missed this trip this year, but should I ever go to Burning Man, the Green Tortoise is the way to go!


Both dogs are here at work with me for the afternoon. Alice has suddenly decided that she needs to hump Ellie, as if after 5 months, she finally noticed that there's another dog in the family.

Mr. Hot Shit shared his autobiography with me today. Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself is an insightful look into the mind of a budding propellerhead.

The most fabulous title ever: Chocolatey Shatner.

While looking for a picture of Andrea, I relived our visit to the WWF and would like to share that fine moment with you all.

Four years ago today, I started on a journey that was supposed to take me across the country, back home to Ohio. The truck was loaded, I had an apartment waiting for me. I left Portland behind and drove to Silicon Valley to visit my friend Andrea for (allegedly) three days.

We'd been friends for a year and half, skirting the idea of dating, but never doing anything about it, blocked by sunburns and other girlfriends (mine, not hers). But finally it clicked and we started dating. Of course this was a problem since I was supposed to move to Ohio in a few days. I spent the whole "visit" thinking of how I could save up the money to move here, then it dawned on me: I should stay.

I took a deep breath, called the mover and had the truck turn around. Right afterwards, I went to Andrea's office. We walked around the parking lot and I told her that I was staying. She asked "where are we going?" I told her I didn't know, but in my heart I did.

And here we are long after that fateful trip has ended, still together, celebrating four years of laughter, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

So far, I am tourette's-free today.

Woo hoo! I've sold 4 items on Half.com in only 2 days. For books, it's so much better than ebay. Last night I was madly trying to sell everything I could find with a barcode on it.


You can thank Ellie for the crappy lighting, she's decided that it's okay to bark at work so I've been forced to close my office door.

I'm really not sure what makes Be a Guru so damn funny. Thanks brig.

Lately I've been dreaming about my birthmom a lot. We've been in touch for 3 years and while it's not the kind of reunion you see in the movies where I'm on a plane the next day and am magically invited to all family gatherings, it has been pretty amazing. Maybe my subconscious is telling me it's time to get on that plane. Which of course I'll only do if her subconscious agrees.

I've decided to give half.com a try and am selling a bunch o' books. Ebay was getting to be a pain in the ass so I thought I'd try this way.

Tell me that iToke is a joke. I mean, really, how can you name a company after a bong hit? Thanks to Mr. Hot Shit for this gem.

I have blogging tourette's today.

I have no idea what someone did to Gayle but I'm sure glad it wasn't me!

My latest travel, even if it is a mere 50 miles from my now-very expensive home:

I have to confess, I can't pass up a chance to send cheesy electronic postcards. Amy has received more of them from me than should be allowed, including today's installment from the Oscar Mayer� Wienermobile Postcard Pitstop.

Anyone in North Carolina looking to adopt a fabulous new to you beagle?

In case you're wondering, my color is green. Which is no great shock, since it is my favorite color. Here's how my green-ness fits into the the Weblog Color Wheel.

Weekend Update
First of all, I remembered that Monday was a holiday and did not go in to work.

We spent most of Saturday cleaning in preparation for the landlord's visit. A good thing, since she decided to look in our closets and make snide comments "boy, you have a lot of stuff" and "maybe I should get another deposit for the second dog and the fish tanks". My personal favorite was "you have two dogs? Oh, I thought that one would be dead by now." Bitch.

So we have a lease and we're locked in at a mere $400 more than we were paying. She was nice enough to start the rent increase next month instead of this month (which she can't do anyway since the lease states that she has to give us 30 days notice of such nastiness). This whole thing has shaken my faith in the notion that if you're good to people they won't fuck with you.

Sunday, the day of the Evil Landlord's visit, Ellie woke up at 4 am with another of her Carol Ann episodes, where she runs around like a woman possessed, scratching at everything in sight and biting anything that she can get her teeth on. This has happened twice before, both times she's calmed down by 11 am, but not this time. She was a real mess, panting or being passed out. She let me hold her, sleeping on my chest for most of the afternoon. We thought for sure that this was it and today would be her last day in the world.

As a last resort, I gave her some of her pain pills, the Rimadyl that may have been affecting her liver. She bounced back like nothing had happened. I won't take her off that drug again.

Sarah sent me this fabulous link: Obscene Interiors.


I should clarify that our landlord may have thought that we couldn't afford such a drastic increase and was hoping that we'd move out because of it. What she doesn't know is that while we're grumbling about it, we can afford it so she's stuck with us.

My soon-to-be sister in law asked me to do a reading at their wedding. I told her I'd only do it if I could do it in the style of Jesse Jackson.

Now and again, I think I should aim for some sort of worldwide recognition, ala the Power Bloggers list or some shit like that. But then I remember that I'm talking about my life here and that kind of exposure isn't why I'm doing this. Shit, my parents don't even know about this little venture, it didn't seem worth telling them, since $5 says that they'll follow up that disclosure with months of "aren't you giving away too much information?" Not worth it.

Maybe I am giving away too much information but I'm having a fine time doing it.

After talking to my landlord last night, we realized that she doesn't really want us to stay, that she was sure that raising the rent would force us to leave. Ha! She kept saying that she'd need to fix the place up, I had to stop her with "but we're not leaving." The rescheduled "walk through" is Sunday morning, it will take everything in my power to not mutter out loud or under my breath that she's become a greedy bitch.