Today is not my day for appliances. First I dropped some Eggo waffles into the toaster (tell me why the assumption is that only kids want the chocolate chip ones so it's okay to have cartoon characters on them? I may be eating chocolate chip waffles but I am not a member of today's youth!) and cleaned out the guinea pig cage, thinking what a great plan it was, how the guinea pig would be all clean and happy and then I'd be happy eating my chocolate chip waffles.

But no. I got Bennie's cage all done and headed to the kitchen for his food. When I opened the kitchen door, the room was filled with smoke from my fucking waffles, which were starting to catch on fire because our shit-ass toaster didn't do the one thing toasters are supposed to do -- push the goddamned food up when it's done.

Alice was just sitting there in her bed (the other punks were outside watching Andrea set up her power tools) and I panicked, throwing the lever up and expelling the now-charred waffles. In the process, I burned my arm on the metal toaster rack that goes with our much-aligned microwave/slow ass toaster.

We got some fans going thanks to Andrea's quick thinking (at this point, all I could do was say Fuck and try not to panic thinking about Alice sitting there as a fire started) and the room is starting to clear out. Alice, of course, is still sitting there because it's the room from which all food comes.

So I put the toaster tray thing in the microwave/slow ass toaster and wait once again for my fucking waffles. At the end there's a spark. It's only when Andrea points it out that I realize I'd left it on Microwave, essentially leaving a big metal object in the microwave.

What can I say, I'm brilliant today.