I had thought...
- That I knew what grief was. That somehow losing far too many friends before their time and loving then losing Ellie had given me a taste of grief, of the bitter smell of loss of empty homes and wanting lives. But no. I had no idea.
- That I was finally a grownup a few years ago. Maybe but somehow this has put me over the top. Not the mortgage, not the 5+ years I've been with Andrea, not the 401(k), but this. The loss of Alice has made me 5 years older overnight. I'm not surprised now if someone calls me 'lady' as in 'hey lady, you dropped this' or listens to me at work because now, I'm a grownup.
- That I might be feeling better now but after a few days reprieve after we learned that Alice's death was in no way my fault and I was almost giddy to be free from that horrible guilt, today it washes over me once again. It doesn't matter if it was my fault, she's still gone. The one purely sweet and wonderful piece of my life is empty. Most of the time the other dogs seem like a chore, something I must attend to and I struggle to give them the kind of love and attention that they deserve, but at the moment seems I was only able to give to Alice or with Alice around.
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