I've been feeling like I should have gone home for the holidays, God knows my mom guilted me about it enough but I just couldn't. Not because I'm working as a contractor and would lose money, not because we're still struggling to pay off the $3000 bill Alice's final surgery left us with (though that's certainly part of it) but because I don't feel remotely up to it and because I'm scared to fly.

I've been flying pretty regularly since I was in college and it's never been something that didn't make me nervous. I touch the side of the plane as I enter, for luck and I don't sleep, convinced that if I stay awake we won't crash. These days, if I stay awake, then what? So I can tackle some motherfucker who thinks he can take out another thing that means something to us? So I can watch in fear if I don't tackle him?

For now, I'll stay home.