Just visited my referrer logs for the first time in a long time and it confirms what I already knew: me, Amy, Andrea and Dan are the main people who visit my page.

Here are some other highlights: an alltheweb search on pissing pig fuck, netscape search on inflatable pools and driving directions, and a lycos search on midget sex. I think it's time to change my keywords.

I must admit that the flip side of being able to hear everything my cube neighbors are doing is that they can hear everything I do too. Every fart, every phone conversation, every errant sigh or cough is all part of the public domain.

But when I had an office, I was lonely. Is there a middle ground? I guess so, it's called headphones. Or like I often want to tell my next door neighbor's creepy grandkid -- now's the part of the day where we pretend like we can't see into one another's windows.

Sometimes cube life isn't all that great. You'd think I'd be used to hearing things I didn't want to after all that time near Thoma in The Good Old Days at beyond, but I guess I'm not. One of my current neighbors (a very nice person who I have no other complaints about) is noisy. Singing, sighing, moaning and now, with the addition of snack, slurping. Sometimes, it's just too much. Could you please slurp outside? I don't want to wear headphones every moment of my working life.

Maybe I'll start sighing and slurping too, or just shout AMEN loudly often, for emphasis.

My car is all better, back from the shop and safely with me again, thanks to a ride from Amy. Not only did she return to me clean this time (last time I had an extensive discussion with the detail shop manager about what soap is and how a car is, in fact *not* clean if it has spots on it), but I saw Vernon the Enterprise pick you up guy at the dealer. Hello, Vernon, were you accosted by any Oriental drivers today?

Andrea in her natural state, at work, on the phone. Thanks Dustin!

So, my car's at the dealer for it's 30,000 mile checkup in preparation for our big trip next week. I rented a car from Enterprise because they'll pick me up. Really, it was a guy named Vernon, who spoke the secret language of non-Asian people (this is in fact the same as the secret language of white people but since Vernon isn't white, it's modified) telling me how 'Oriental' drivers were the worst because one of his other clients had 3 wrecks in a month, thanks to 'Oriental' drivers. Look, if you have 3 wrecks in a month, you're either very unlucky or are the shitty driver in question. I told Vernon that there's a whole lot of everybody here, driving bad, that gave him pause.

I'm proud to report that not only is my rental car a crap-ass Corolla, it's white — the official Color of Rental.

A friend sent me this article on bringing a new dog into the home. Trying to read everything I can before the pup's May 6 arrival!


Now that we've gotten the go-ahead to adopt a puppy we have the arduous task of selecting a name. Here's 2000 suggestions. Even though I've named a number of foster dogs (Myrtle, Patty, Chester, Max, Roscoe and my own Ellie) those names haven't carried the weight that this puppy's name does for me. This dog will be part of our family for it's entire life, not just the few weeks/months or years that our other ones have been, in other words, we're going to live with this name for the next 15 or so years.

2 things of note today:
  1. I wore my new Kentucky Fried Mullet shirt to work, forgetting that I had a meeting with some outside folks. Not only that, it turned out that they were from lovely Alabama. I was only slightly mortified.
  2. We got the confirmation that we can adopt one of Ellie the basset's puppies. We'll pick her up on May 6!!!


It's true, I don't have much to say today. We launched a big spiffy new THING at work and I'm helping with some of the post-launch cleanup.


Top 10 ways to annoy Bob Barker. I will do none of these when I'm a contestant on "Price"!!

More advice on how we'll get to come on down: - So You Want To Be A 'Price Is Right' Contestant'?

"We can catch those fakers out there," Dobkowitz says. "They think they have to be over-exuberant to be on the show. We can tell those fakers."

Who knew that "Price" had a Mexican counterpart, where the numbers on the big wheel were in Pesos? At�nale al Precio! Si!

A Salute to Pricing Games!

Someday soon, this will be me: Student wins car, becomes 3rd UA contestant on 'The Price Is Right'. Except that I'm not a student anymore. But I will be a winner on "Price".

I played hockey three days in a row and I have officially kicked my own ass. I'm sore and tired but still glad I did it. After a particularly hard fall on my ass during Saturday's class (who knew that there's an advantage to pivoting the right way?) I invested in some new, badass ass pads. I bought the women's version, which fits differently, but way better than the crappy guy's model I'd been sporting. I usually don't wear my pants around my waist so it felt weird at first but knowing that my ass was protected by more than just itself makes it all OK.

My roots are showing


I hate to admit it, but I've become dependent on Samba to do my work. Why? Because it lets me see the code I'm working on in the pretty color-coded colors that my good friend HomeSite provides. I'm without it today and forced to edit all my work in the monochromatic terminal emulator that was once all there was, at once, was good enough. Have I become a slave to the pretty colors?

Here's some interesting tips about visiting Disneyland, including my personal favorite:
As with all amusement parks, try to sneak in your own drinks, especially in the summer. There's a Food For Less store about a mile up, at Katella and Euclid. Drinks inside the park will normally cost about 2 dollars. Your bags may be searched when you enter the park so conceal your drinks in the bottom of your backpack and cover them with Kotex or Tampax pads. This should discourage park attendants from searching down too deeply, especially if you're a man.

On the day I was born, Killing Me Softly by Roberta Flack was the #1 song. Found here, thanks to brig.

We visited the exciting 1-800-MATTRES(S) showroom and bought a phat mattress on Saturday. This was after visiting the HomeLife store next door and not being helped. I love looking 7 shades of grubby when I'm prepared to drop some cash. The HomeLife people didn't even talk to me, but John at 1-800-MATTRES(S) not only filled our heads with Mattress Knowledge, he told me that I'm sexier as a blonde. As we were walking back to the car, we passed the loading door of HomeLife, where one of the clerks who had ignored me was enjoying a break. She felt the need to speak at us now, shouting unintelligible things as we went by.

Our Mattres(s) arrived promptly at 10 am yesterday and in less than 10 minutes those pros had brought the new one in, removed Andrea's crap-ass old one from the backyard (yes, I know what having indoor furniture in the yard means, that's why we had them haul it away!) and moved my futon to the front bedroom. It was a whirlwind of sleeping product activity that culiminated last night in a wonderful night of sleep on our bad-ass new bed.


You're damn right. I've been kinda quiet lately. Why? We had company for a week, our housewarming party and of course work has heated up (in a good way). I've been working on some very cool projects and have happily put them before my loyal readers needs.

There's no better feeling of job satisfaction than working your ass off to get some changes made, only to have someone remove the hard drive on the server so my changes are all lost. Thanks!

Indeed, Pam, Dancing Paul is what the dang ole Internet is all about. Forget push technology (remember Pointcast?), B2B, C2C and P2P, it's all about Dancing Paul.


Yup, today my job kicks ass. I'm wearing shorts, weaving my own brand of hoo-doo magic and groovin' to Abba at the same time. Could this mean I'm about to get laid off again?

Some days, I think working on the web has lost it's allure for me. But other days, I feel like I'm making magic again. Today is one of those days. It's not the wonder that I approached my very first geocities page with but in a lot of ways, it's better. It's in Java, which can't be bad. Here's to the wacky web being fun again, though not in a geocities way, that's fer sure.

So... we're looking for a new mattress and I found the most amazing site: Mattress.com, run by the excellent folks at 1-800-MATTRESS, which is actually 1-800-MATTRES, leaving of the last S for savings!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I had to wipe my eyes before mentioning this decorative SKULL TOILET BRUSH.

I'm laughing out loud at this handsome Gothic Metal & Leather Codpiece Jock Thong.

More than you ever wanted to know: Disturbing Auctions

As my mom ponders a new car after 16 years with her beloved Oldsmobile that leaks gas, here are the Most Popular Family Cars on CarPoint. To date, she's driven a Passat and loves it, but is also checking into a Sat-URN (as she pronounces it, she's also the woman who brought you El Nin-o), having ruled out the Camry and the Accord because everybody (including my dad) has one of those. Watch out for Liz's Hip Hop Mom.


Amazon gets craftier every day: Promote Your Product to Shoppers. Just another misguided step on the path to profitability.

Now that Amy and I are less than 3 weeks away from our big trip to "Price", here's a highlight from yesterday's taping:
Yesteday there was a 1/2 deaf, 1/2 senile woman, she took 5 minutes to come on down, stopping to high-five every audience member along the way like she was Jack Kennedy. Eventually she made it to Contestant's Row, when Bob asked for her bid on the fine free-standing fireplace she kept saying "I'm okay, I'm okay", followed by "I'll be allright." So Bob said "I'm sure you're okay, but what's your bid on that fireplace?" She said "what fireplace?" and they took the camera backstage to show it to her again. Of course she had the winning bid but needed strapping Bob's assistance getting up the 3 stairs to the stage. What a day.


Let's hope that Mir can aim! Free Tacos For U.S. if Mir Hits Floating Taco Bell� Ocean Target.

In keeping with our theme of short vacations this spring, we're headed to Sedona AZ in May to meet my parents, brother and sister-in-law (who live a mere 30 minutes from us) for a fun-filled long weekend. So for everyone who was eagerly awaiting this moment, we have finally purchased our tickets for this exciting trip.

Speaking of exciting trips, less than 3 weeks until Amy and I head to Television City to be possible contestants on the Price is Right, aka "Price". I can't wait!


John's New Job

You can't beat a name like the World Anti-Doping Agency.

The party was a roaring success or at least I was a roaring drunk and don't know if people weren't having a good time. I know I was!

Highlights included:

  • the never-ending (really never-ending since there are a few leftovers, anyone want to come over for chicken wings??) labor-intensive spread of food that Dan (with help from Melinda) lovingly prepared
  • the fabulous hockey cake with no fruity additives that my sister in law Marci made
  • the fabulous, practical and wonderful gifts that we got (Expo and Home Depot gift cards, *exactly* what we needed, thanks everyone!!!) and the splendid gift baskets from Linea & Co.
  • Megan's early departure and unexpected return shortly afterwards
  • Me not doing anything stupid in my drunken stupor
  • the surprise arrival of The Deb! Talk about an unexpected thrill!
Thanks to all who came! A good time was had by all, or at least by me.


Where is everyone? Ahh, they're with me (Dan) or in Denver (Amy) so gear up for a quiet couple of days. I'm off to Reno with Melinda and Andrea so there shouldn't be any action here till Monday. Happy birthday to me.

If only he had used hoo-doo magic: Man Shot Dead As Bulletproof Magic Fails.

Woo hoo! Our heavyweight champion foster beagle Max may have found a new home. He's going on an overnight visit tomorrow. Hooray for Max!


Isn't enough enough? Is Jordan mulling a return as player?

Just called the fine people at Radio Shack installation services to get our new DirectTV hooked up. They offered me a 10 hour window on a Tuesday. I asked the nice man if people really were able to be home for that and he refused to answer. What's with that? How do you think I pay for this stuff, by sitting at home for 10 hours a day? Hey, if there was a way, I'd love to.


My boss just told me I look like a glorious pineapple with my new hair.

It's no longer a source of wonder to me that Dan can see an updated picture of me every 30 seconds (while I'm at work, of course, what I do in the can is just not noteworthy) from 1200 miles away. The Internet makes it all so small but I'm starting to take it for granted. Now, if the web could take out the garbage....


Are we fucking idiots? U.S. bomb hits observers on Kuwaiti range; 5 dead. "Oh look, Bob, some guys are watching this training excersize. They must be the enemy, let's blow 'em up!"

News you can use: Skydiver lands on beer vendor during coleslaw wrestling event. Thanks Phil!

The "Price" tickets have arrived and hotel reservations have been made. In a mere 3 weeks, Amy and I are on our way to Television City to be a member of the studio audience on the longest-running game show on TV -- the Price is Right!!! I'll be sure to print out this handy guide to getting picked to be a contestant on the world's most fabulous game show.

After 10 years of talking about this, I can hardly believe it's really going to happen. Woo hoo!

So last night after dinner, Andrea and I decided to go to Albertson's for one of our semi-annual trips to stock up on condiments. While looking for mouthwash, I turned around and was face-to-face with the hair dye. Before I knew what I was doing, a box of maxi-bleach was in the cart and as of 2 a.m. today, I'm a blonde.

Looking in the mirror still gets me, like who the hell is that blonde chick? But I like it. My fine co-workers keep asking me to turn around so they can make sure I'm still me. Yup, still me, just blonde!

Just one day until my week of fun begins. Melinda is travelling here tomorrow, Dan arrives on Wed. Activities include a night in Reno eating at buffets, my party and a beaglefest. Woo hoo.

I'm pleased to announce that not only does R35.com make the single best office supply ever, the Web Color pad, they have spiffed up their website.


Friday afternoons make me giddy. I can't help it. Earlier, I was laughing so much, it was all I could do to make it into a bathroom stall before exploding with mirth. That Amy cracks me up every time. You'd think that after 10 years of friendship, something would change, that we'd stop finding each other so damn funny, but we don't. Good thing because nobody else quite understands why Bob Barker is so damn cool.

"There is no diplomatic way to present anal leakage" -- my esteemed co-worker, Phil

I had a phine lunch, with Amy picking me up at my office. I'd been waiting a long time to say "it's just after Stryker Endoscopy." We travelled to Milpitas so I could pick up the Columbus Blue Jackets jersey I'd been wanting for months. I had thought for sure Andrea got it for me at Christmas and was doing her usual 'oh, I didn't get that for you' act, where I get all disappointed and then she surprises me on the day. But not this time, we both felt like assholes about it so I vowed to get one for myself. I bought one on ebay but when it came, I discovered it was a youth size (and I'm not) so I was back to square one.

I finally got one on ebay, not only did I get the one I wanted, I got the new version that hasn't been released in the US yet (the guy I got it from is in Canada, eh) so I'm totally stoked! The Milpitas drama was from a FedEx driver who 'couldn't find the house' so he brought it back. Fuckers! But Amy was nice enough to pick me up and take me to the FedEx place.

We also were lucky enough to find a resturant that didn't suck. I had been told that all resturants in Milpitas suck so we feel very lucky that McDonald's didn't let us down.

I keep hearing a noise outside my 6 inches of window that sounds like a bird. And then I realized, hey, that is a bird. I mean it this time, welcome to spring!

Max-amillion pounds is feeling better today but still barking his cute-ass head off. Our trainer friend Barb was nice enough to loan us some collars that either shock him or spray citronella in his face when he barks, hopefully those will have some impact. I put the citronella on him today, I heard the doggie equivalent of 'hey! what the fuck is that?' after every bark, but there was no cessation of barking so Mr. Max is in a crate today.


Wondering where the Mir space station is? Where is Mir? tells you. It's updated every minute.

Just walked back into my cube and noticed that it smells like stale farts. Good thing I brought that Febreeze.

Thank God for the 10-Second Manager: 10-Second Tips which include this gem: "Hire fast people. Look for people who are impatient, who have lots energy, who actually shake, wiggle, and bop in meetings." �10-Second Internet Manager

Like Andrea and so many ex-beyonders, I'd really like him to go away. He was certainly not the only one responsible for beyond's decline, other execs were right there with him, pissing money away like it was water, lost in the parties, the ads and the stupid promotions that only lost money. But he was most certainly at the helm (even if he couldn't download the software we were selling), approving the gross overspending without a care in the world.

Yes, folks, those were the good old days. When money was water and water was coffee.

Why can't he just go away???

Former Amazon.com Exec Launches New Angel Fund Fast Angels
LOS ALTOS HILLS, Calif. (VENTUREWIRE) -- Fast Angels Ventures, a consortium of 12 individual investors, announced the launch of the group's fund. General Partner Mark Breier, formerly an executive at Beyond.com and Amazon.com, said Fast Angels will invest in technology companies that improve business performance and that are located near major cities. Fast Angels said it intends to invest in 12 companies per year with an average investment of $500,000. Fast Angels' first portfolio company is Palo Alto, Calif.-based MultiDigit, a firm developing technology for data input into cell phones, handheld devices, and remote controls.


After all the money he helped us piss away at beyond, you'd think that the last thing anyone would trust him with is money. Sheesh.


Everything you wanted to know about Passover is here: Kosher for Passover. Shalom!

For all of you looking for new hockey gear, here's a fitting guide.

It's sunny and 64 degrees here in lovely Santa Clara CA. While I respectfully acknowledge my friends who live in climates with actual winters, I'm still glad to live somewhere with virtually no weather. We have 2 seasons: shorts and jeans. Today marks my offical acceptance of shorts season. Hello and welcome to spring!

In case I'm not the only one considering a dish, my friends at MSN offer this Satellite TV comparison.

Brig's thoughts on digital cable made me re-think the issue. We'd had expanded basic cable in our old house and that was fine, everything we wanted. But where we live now, the cable service is this A/B switch bullshit, meaning that we have to get up and flip a switch to see half of our channels. We were all set to get digital cable but couldn't be home for the guy to come out so we cancelled. And a good thing. I took a good look at the channel lineup, at what $62.85 a month would get us and it's all shit!

But don't just take my word for it. Here's a sample:

BBC America (great, more sitcoms I don't understand)

Discovery Health (wow, 24 hours of surgery)

Insprirational Life Network (praise God)

Golf (sorry, Chris, I just can't watch it)

Need I say more? $62.85 for that? I think we're going with Direct TV where for $55 a month we get channels I want like ESPN Classic (I love that shit, it's all about NBA games from the 70's) and Lifetime Movie Network. But no matter how you cut it, it's still too damn much money to watch TV.

Poor Max, (the new foster beagle) he's not feeling well so he's been to the vet twice in 2 days. I think he's going to be okay, though. Phew!


Amy knows this guy, Josh Ritter and I must say, he's a fine singer so I not only bought his album, I bought the Jiggs Trucker hat for Amy. Enjoy!

I got the most bizarre piece of spam from these people. Why would you send spam about shrimp? Because everyone on the Internet eats, I guess.

This could be a good thing: ASSEMBLY BILL RE-ESTABLISHES CONSTITUTIONAL FREEDOMS FOR ADULT ADOPTEES. The face of adoption has certainly changed since I was born in a home for unwed mothers, then adopted through a very closed procedure that denied me anything more than basic info. Today the birthparents and adoptive parents often meet, which is both very scary and very sweet. It opens up a greater margin of changed minds and second-guessing but also gives everyone involved a clear picture of what's going on. Still, I can't imagine my parents housing my birthmom while waiting for my arrival, let alone being present in the delivery room. 4 years after I found her, they're still not ready to meet her. That's just the way things were then and still are for our family.

Woo hoo! I'm a well-adjusted homo. Like I didn't already know that.

Doh! DoDots shuts down. Another one bites the dust.


And here I thought my dogs were demons, but no, this dog takes the cake. Note the careful assortment of stuffing on the floor behind him. Makes me glad I have old beagles.

Experimenting with the LizCam, hoping that a clever combination of an Altoids box and some post-it notes will make it work better. But right now all I can say for sure is that my hair is jacked up today.

In the good old days, when the economy was booming and we had a fine, liberal (albeit horny) president, I had no desire to be political. I didn't need to, Bill was doing a fine job, nothing was going to hell in a handbasket. But now that Monkey Boy is in office, I find myself paying attention to his antics and getting pissed off every time he opens his mouth.

In a way, it's good. I know more about what's going on in the world, but I wish it wasn't under these lousy circumstances.

Don't forget to send those bananas to the White House!

Talked to Patty's new family last night, in her first 7 hours with them she "insisted" on riding in the front seat of the car, "made" her new mom go outside with her to pee since it was raining and found her way to the couch. She'll be more spoiled than she was with us, what more could I ask for?

And Max, what a silly man. He's so fat he doesn't fit through the doggie door so he'll be in a crate until some of the weight comes off. Zeus and Alice look like sticks next to him. He's a great guy, though.

Remember the good old days, when troubled teens just killed themselves and not anyone else? Can't we go back to that instead of this shit? Several reported hurt in California school shooting.

If anyone watched Providence on Friday, the little pig who guest starred was from Lil Orphan Hammies A Piggy Sanctuary in California.


Woo hoo! Patty found a new home with a retired couple in Carmel. It only took 10 minutes for her to work her magic, she's already got them wrapped around her little paw. Hooray for Patty!

In other news, Max the beagle has joined our family. He's quite a bit overweight but the sweetest guy on the planet.


Survivor 2 is not the same as the original, especially without The BullFrog, Rudy Boesch. Sigh.

As you can see, it's been a big PhotoShop day for me. Sometimes I just get image editing Tourette's.

It seems that our foster dog Patty's new home with Hummingbird (yes, her real name) has fallen through. I thought I could overlook someone unwilling to make the effort to come and get her, and her husband's non-committalness but I can't. The day we found out about Alice, I was ready to hop in the car *that instant* to go and get her. I want someone like that for Patty so we're going to wait. That seems like the right thing to do.

Wow!!! Jimmy Smith is coming to SF. I think I have no choice but to go!!

Another great story from Anne:

I once had a guy in a cow costume follow me around a grocery store. I was 16. I laughed in his face. He kept waving his hoof. and mooing.

Last night at the World's Largest Safeway, Amy, Andrea and I ran into these guys. Well, maybe not these exact guys but their cousins.

So I sort of know Kate in real life, but mostly her silly brother, who I've now known for 23 years. Shit, we're old. Anyway. Kate sees a former teacher of mine, another silly man:

and says to him: k8: "hey mr. cole, do you you remember liz??"

mr. c: "yes. you're carbon copies of each other. you're both slackers."

My Grandma is so excited that I'm going to be on the Price Is Right, she talks about it every day!


There's more action on Ellie's Puppy Album. I'm thrilled that my Ellie's legacy lives on in such an amazing way. While we've talked endlessly about adopting one of these pups, we realized that we're much more into older dogs and should stick with the older guys who have a *much* harder time finding a home. But I still think it would be cool to have one of Ellie's puppies...

It's March! You know what that means, spring! And then summer! It also means that in a little over 2 weeks, I'll have a birthday, my 28th. Do I feel like a geezer? Not exactly but I do recoil when I see a pack of teenagers (they're worse than wild dogs when they travel together) and I seem to have stopped wanting to party like I used to (just ask Amy about Mickey's wide mouth. Or better yet, don't.) I don't think I mind this change. Even though some things (not THINGS) have really sucked for me lately, on the whole, life is pretty good. As long as it keeps getting better, I can't complain about getting older. It just means that there's more opportunity to do what I've wanted to. Like stop spending all my energy looking for a place to have sex (accomplished this in college, of course I was celibate then, NOT by choice), like waiting until I had the $25 for a University of Oregon Alumni license plate (thanks, Andrea!), like paint my bedroom any color I choose, like have as many dogs as I want (again, thanks Andrea), like take a hockey class or blow all my money on Lincoln Logs if I want, like use the 28 years of errors and judgements that make up who I am today to make intelligent choices about my life.

So hey, happy birthday to me.

Even if I had felt the earthquake yesterday, there's good news: Luck and planning reduced Seattle quake damage.

This is the best news I've heard in a long time: TV Land puts Mary Tyler Moore on a pedestal -- in Minneapolis. Woo hoo! Will they put Rhoda there as well?

Woo hoo!! Mr. Hot Shit has decided to forsake Australia for our 10 year high school reunion. Woo hoo!!!

From Pam, who is trying to talk me out of buying the Ford (yes, I did look at the Ford but would still rather have the Mazda on principle alone) Edmunds.com - Mazda Tribute/ Ford Escape problems. Thanks!