On Being a bad (or at least inattentive) Mom
Since Alice's death in November, it's been a struggle to care for our 3 other dogs. I'm not interested in them, I don't want to be around them much, it just hurts too much. They don't have the kind of undying devotion that Alice and I shared with each other, Gus and Rainie are very into each other and Zeus, while a good guy, has some behavior issues that can make him hard to love.

So I've withdrawn from them, throwing myself into getting to work earlier and earlier, playing hockey 5 times a week, doing anything to avoid being home and looking at the places where Alice used to be. Last night, for the first time in almost 3 years of being doggie parents, Andrea gave me instructions for feeding them, things she's doing better in my absence as a caregiver. I haven't fed them in over a week, and even when I do, Andrea is doing 9 meals out of 10, a total reversal from a year ago.

But this is what loss is, an intense need to let my grief resound and to take care of myself the best way I can. This is also what marriage is, having a partner who is compassionate enough to step in when I am too sad, too raw, too tired to do what I should be.

Someday, I will find a new way to relate to our furry kids and will become once again the kind of doggie mom I used to be. Or perhaps a different, but still wonderful parent. Until then, I am so grateful that Andrea is there to step in for me. And so are Gus, Zeus, Rainie and Scooter the foster dog.