My grandmother's health is not improving and the effort required to keep her going grows greater, it seems, with each passing day. My mom is the coordinator of this effort, making sure the during the week person is there on time, not breaking things and not running out of supplies, then making sure that the weekend person can get there (how is it that none of these people have cars?), gets there, doesn't break anything and doesn't run out of supplies. She also visits every day, to see how Grandma is but also to make sure that the caregiver hasn't broken anything or harmed Grandma, that she's eaten and been to the bathroom and is clean. Grandma is up and down, some days she's not bad, sitting up watching The Price is Right, other days she's in bed, ass to the world, moaning about a muscle spasm that none of us, no matter how we want to, can fix. Mom is there for all of this. Her siblings also help but not with the same kind of immediacy that Mom does. She organizes doctor trips (which require a special van rental and a prayer that Grandma's stomach survives the journey), runs to the store when they're out of stuff (this is always an emergency), brings meals and makes sure Grandma gets the right kind of medication, not just "that pill over there."

Lately, Grandma has been worse. Her body is shutting down slowly, her mind is less intact every time I see her, after 5 minutes I find myself having the same conversation we'd already had, though she does rotate on to new topics, coming back after 5 minutes to the first thing she talked about. Her whole world has gone from the whole world (or at least her town) to her room. At least she gets to move between the bed and the chair, I guess, but it's taking it's toll on her and on my Mom. As Grandma declines, Mom gets more and more stressed, there's simply less to be done to manage her pain.

2 nights ago, my uncle came over to my Mom's house with a gift: tickets to see 2 plays in Toronto and a non-refundable hotel reservation. Mom is more relaxed than she's been in months, now talking about nothing but this trip. I saw my uncle online today and thanked him. I almost have my Mom back for a while. Until the next crisis with Grandma, that is.

It just sucks all around. She was in decent health and mobile until 3 years ago, now it's like the only thing left is to wait for her to die. That's not how she wanted it, it's the last thing any of us wanted for her and I'm so sorry. Maybe someday I'll look back and be grateful that she was around to see (cousin's new baby, me buy a house, other cousin's new baby, graduations, marriages (we don't mention the divorce), andrea pinch my butt on Grandma's request) whatever it was that she's seen (or heard about really since she's just in that room much of the time) but right now I'm sad and angry that she's in this situation. That we all are.