To be fair, here's what I just got from IAMS, looks like all the pressure they've been getting has paid off.

Hello:
You've contacted us in the past, and we've promised to keep you informed about new initiatives with nutritional studies and our dog and cat care and welfare programs. We have exciting progress to report.
Progress
This week we announced that by October, 2006, we will no longer conduct feeding studies in external contract facilities or universities. Instead, we will transition all of our dog and cat feeding studies to three locations:

• In-home with pets volunteered by pet parents -- which already accounts for more than half of the dogs and cats in our studies.
• In-house at the Iams Pet Health and Nutrition Center where an expansion is underway.
• In places where dogs and cats already live, such as animal shelters and with groups that provide assistance dogs to people in need.

This is another example of the innovative collaboration provided by our independent International Animal Care Advisory Board, which includes experts from a number of well-respected outside organizations such as the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) and the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS). We appreciate the expertise of these individuals as well as their organizations' dedication to the welfare of pets.

Myth-busting
Plenty of myths circulate on all topics over the Internet, and one story that is making the rounds talks about a beagle study at Auburn University funded by Iams. The story is a complete fabrication, but the reality is simple: We are actually funding a study with beagles volunteered by their owners. Once the study is complete, the dogs and their puppies are returned to their homes. This is another example of how false stories can confuse the public.

To read more details about our dog and cat care and welfare program, visit http://www.IamsTruth.com. We created this Web resource to set the record straight and share our best practices with the rest of the pet food industry. Visit IamsTruth to see:

• Streaming video showing the dogs and cats at Iams study sites.
• A photo album of dogs and cats who have completed feeding studies and have been adopted by caring Iams employees.
• Outside experts' observations about Iams policies and practices.
• Results from unannounced site reviews by the International Animal Care Advisory Board.

Thank you for taking the time to read our message. If you no longer want to receive updates, please respond to this e-mail so that we may update our system. As always, Iams Consumer Care is happy to answer any questions you may have. Call 1-800-863-4267 to speak with one of our advisors about these important issues.

Sincerely,
Marti (not Marti Doughty, mother of Liz)
Iams Consumer Care, North America

Two Days in One!
I got up early, well, okay, I MEANT to get up early so I could be all organized about this, but both of the old guys needed to go to the vet. Zeus because even at his advanced age we still can't trim his nails at home. He fights us like a rabid squirrel, though the moment he goes into the Back Room of the vet's office, Sherry (our long-time trusted vet tech, friend to Alice, the nice lady who sat with us after Alice died, who had driven her down to the surgeon's that day and came back in rush hour traffic to mourn her. We'll always be grateful to Sherry...) puts the muzzle on him and poof, he's a different dog, just waits patiently for her to finish. At the end, he nudged her, asking to have the muzzle removed and of course, to be petted.

Meanwhile, I waited far too long in the exam room with Gus, who has a few extra lumps in addition to the million he already has. Our regular vet wasn't scheduled to see him, even though she's the reason we drive in rush-hour traffic to Sunnyvale. Um, that's not so good. I talked to Sherry and 2 seconds later our good doctor came in and pronounced his lumps Something To Watch but Nothing To Worry About. She also gave me some doggie valium for Gus, so he doesn't lick himself into a stigmata when we go to DisneyWorld, home of refillable mugs and skiff rides to town.

Loading the guys in the car for the return trip was a challenge. Gus was too tired to make the jump into Andrea's car (the only car right now with a plastic liner, she was nice enough to trade with me today so I could keep Guy in his pristine state for another day), he kept trying, then falling. I'd try to pick him up and help him in but that hurt his pride and he growled at me. Meanwhile, Zeus is already in there (had to lift the little squirt) and decided at that moment to make a run for it. Fucker. I used my lightning fast reflexes to grab Zeus and hold Gus. Not once, but twice. Fuckers. Gus finally caught his breath enough to get his front paws far enough into the car that I could just grab his ass (heh, Gus' Ass!) and load him into the car.

Gus stood in the back with his head between the headrests, giving me the Evil Eye. I gave it right back to him. When we got home, I made sure the front gate was closed thanks to Gus' Great Escape of 2002 but I took Zeus' leash off so it wouldn't be as bad once we got inside. Big mistake. He's not Al, who would wait patiently to go inside. No, once again the little bastard made a run for it. I grabbed him by the tail but let him go once I realized he was really trying and the gate was closed, I let go, let him think he was getting somewhere, then sent out the Bust O Gram.

Just when I thought the dude was getting older, he decides to have the Spark of Life, which is cool but man, it's hard to manage alone. The big one falling and growling while the little one tries to sneak out for an adventure of his own. Punks.

We're having a few minor technicaly difficulties at work so in response to everyone's questions about the system being down, I finally responded with this:
"Yeah, I'm getting that error, too. In fact, it's displaying this:
http://www.homestarrunner.com/systemisdown.html, which was immediately followed by a series of giggles up and down the corridor.

Rock on, Team Dangeresque!

I just heard that for a mere $68 extra, Andrea and I have secured a King-sized bed for our Disneyland extravaganza! I've been pestering our travel agent for months, but we were stuck waiting for a cancellation. I had seriously given up hope, resigned myself to the fact that our first non-family, non-hockey, just us vacation since 1997 would be spent either crowded into one double bed, wishing I'd started that fitness plan a little sooner, or sleeping apart, appreciating the extra room but missing my best friend and bedmate.

I fully recognize that DisneyWorld is a family resort and every room is designed to allow for the maximum number of young children and their families to be crammed in there. So I knew it was a long shot, but woo hoo! Thank you to the Nice People who cancelled their trip so we could have ours the way we wanted.

-DisneyWorld Resort, Port Orleans: Riverside-
King-sized bed
dum DUM

In telling Jeannette when my big paper is due for my Monday night class, I realized that it's due 10/25, which should have been Alice's 15th birthday. Three years later, I still feel robbed. I can almost talk about her without crying now. Almost, but not all the time.

Here's to you, Al. You're never far from my heart.

Check her out, she's getting her slurp on.

My cubemate's disk drive is spinning and it sounds like someone taking a hit off a bong. I keep turning around, expecting to see some stoned hippie-type saying "Peace, man," or myself a number of years ago saying "I'm SOOOOO stoned," then laughing hysterically and taking off my pants.

But both those possibilities are very far away. Now it's just me and the hits from the disk drive. Which I think I'll eject because it's about to drive me NUTS!

Pooped
Between just a little too much hockey, not enough sleep, not enough sleep, too much work, too much stress about too many things and not enough sleep, my ass is Wiped Out. I meant to go to band last night, I really really did, but the instant I got home, I was so tired I pretty much fell into bed for a much-needed nap. The nap readied me somewhat for the A-Team 2's 11:15 pm game, but not as much as if I'd been fully-rested.

We played well, had a lot of help from our stronger skaters, though naturally, the only one the other team noticed was the guy, who only scored once, choosing instead to try and set up his teammates. They ignored the fact that one woman scored 2 of our goals, with The Mighty Steph putting in the fourth. Both Jean and Jeannette racked up assists, bringing our total to 4-1.

Early in the game I got checked against the boards by a true beginner who couldn't stop. I've played over 1000 hockey games and have NEVER been checked like that. I have to admit, it made me a lot more weary of going anywhere near this team along the boards, and in fact it reminded me that my whole style of co-ed play is built around NEVER being trapped along the boards with a big guy, anyone who can't stop or worse, a big guy who can't stop. Because when they fall, they'll fall on you and that shit hurts. In so many places, I couldn't think of where to ice it.

That move put me on edge and made me play a bit more conservatively than I would have liked to. But I'm well aware of my limits and chose not to risk injury. Had fun, though.

Last night's Green game was totally fun, even if we did lose, even if I did let in 2 goals. Considering my past average of 5, that's an improvement and I figured out how to stack my pads, though it came out looking more like I was reclining. Nora says next time, she's bringing grapes to feed me and a fold-out fan to cool me off with as I recline, there on the goal line. Sweet!

And we named the team Dangeresque, which includes a great hand gesture that Nora does better than I do, mostly because she's so tall.

Liz Doughty Goes to Court
It's not as exciting as it sounds but I've been served. On October 25, a mere 3 days before our Exciting Vacation is to begin, I must head to our local court and testify about our next-door neighbor. It's a long, complicated story, but in short, the granddaughter she used to take care of hacked a plan to leave her grandma's care and go live with her drug-addict mom. The plan involved telling school officials she'd been beaten by grandma, then a brief stay at the children's shelter, then long-term happiness in the care of a mother who hadn't been a mother to her at all in the 9 years she'd been in this world.

But hey, you can't blame a kid for trying. Except that along the way, my neighbor was arrested, charged and now the prosecutor won't drop the case for reasons I don't quite get. There's no evidence, only the word of a young girl with dubious credibility.

That's where I come in. Because it won't go away and my neighbor refuses to plead guilty (I wouldn't either), I've made a couple of statements over the phone, Andrea's written a letter and yet, it comes to this, my ass being served.

I don't think it will be like Law and Order, though I think there are a couple of good ways to handle it.

1. Make that dum-DUM noise like they do on Law and Order after every statement I make, or at least when I talk about a location.
   "Liz Doughty's House, San Jose California"
   dum-DUM

   "Courtroom, San Jose California"
   dum-DUM

2. Start screaming "AMEN, I TESTIFY THAT THIS WOMAN DID NOT HARM THIS CHILD! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!!!"

3. Talk about the lord-uh and how he told me to testify. Then ask for an amen from the crowd while gesturing wildly.

4. Continue to do the dum-DUM sound. Because that, for sure, will not get old.

Amen!

Taking a moment to relive the past, I found this: Haiku Tuesday, a tribute to our upcoming trip
re: China. Let's go
Get on that big plane maybe
sitting together

If we do not sit
together on the plane, I
will pass things along

excuse me nice man
please give this towlette to my
friend Amy, up there.

In just a few days
We will be jetsetting, off
to see THINGS in CHINA!

As it turned out, we volunteered to get bumped (I wasn't really in a hurry to get to China, so the idea of a day in Seattle, a free hotel plus $700 sounded great) but they didn't need us so we all got the bidness class upgrade. Amy and I sqwaked the ENTIRE WAY about the various amenities provided to us. It was great.

Hello, Babies!
We had a drive-through visit with the lovely baby twins last night. When I arrived, Susan had them both propped up on the couch, looking out the window like they'd been waiting for me. She hid just out of sight so it was just these two little heads watching (yes, watching and connecting with the fact that I'd arrived. How cool is that???) and smiling through the window.

But they were a bit grumpy, since their mom had deserted them for three whole nights to go to work this weekend. It was the first (, second and third) time they'd been apart, so it was totally understandable that they'd both want to keep mom in their sights at all times. Riley gave us quite a show, though, flapping about like she wanted so badly to fly. She's also scooting backwards on her hands and knees. I felt like attaching something to her butt that would beep as she backed up, alerting the world to Riley's impending travels.

Sammy was just mad at the world, none of my usual tricks made her happy. She finally settled down and fell asleep on Andrea, only to jolt awake and back into Somewhat Happy Baby mode the instant we tried to put her down. Even though we had to run off to dinner, it was still awesome to see them.

Our First Game
Tonight marks my official return to the exciting world of being a well-meaning but not very skilled goalie. 3 months of Physical Therapy, of lifting specific weights, waving this weird wand, using heavy-duty rubber bands, pushing against my therapist and finally, attaching weights to my goalie stick have led to this moment, the moment where I will no doubt do as poorly as I've done in the past.

But I don't care, because I'm out there, ready to rumble. And to watch my boss' boss be tall, then fall and my Very Fun Co-Worker spin, giggle, repeat. And of course, to see the crowds part when Andreatan sets up for her slapshot. It's really like the Red Sea (okay, the Green Sea). And I'm glad it's headed toward Viv tonight, not to me.

Let's go, ladies! Let's kick some ass. Even if out of all of us, only Andrea knows what she's doing. We can spin, fall down, and spin some more, giggling like mad fools all the while. Because in the end, this has to be fun. Otherwise, there's just no point. You may as well go get a voluntary root canal.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?
Wen writes about a friend drifting away, or so it seems. Whatever's going on there, it sucks, it's a lousy situation to be in, where someone you cared about so much yesterday has all of a sudden converted you to Yesterday's News or, conversely, you've converted them to Yesterday's News in the time it takes to raise a voice, be stubborn when I don't think it's necessary or made one comment that I'll never be able to forget. In these situations, I tend to just let things go, trying (sometimes in vain) to have faith in the universe and its ability to bring us together when we need to be.

Part of this you can chalk up to the transient nature of lives, to how at one point in your life your favorite food is a hot dog, then your tastes change, you discover Aidell's Sausage and all of a sudden, you guessed it, hot dogs are Yesterday's News.

Once the hot dog conversion is complete, you may eat those hot dogs, may still enjoy them, but in the back of your mind you're thinking, this tastes okay but an Aidell's would be better right now and this hot dog just seems a bit awkward anyway.

I know how it goes, Wen. I do. I think that's what's happened with us, when we started being friends all those years ago, eating the proverbial hot dog at Ohio State, we had more in common then because at least for me, my life was a lot less robust. No loving adorable girlfriend, no hockey, not much going on really outside of going to school and figuring out how to be gay. And of course, eating those hot dogs.

But then we both moved, moved on, found other hobbies, and yes, I found Aidell's. However, we do still both eat those hot dogs sometimes, we just have a lot less time to do it in. I chalk this up to our collective robust lives, to the expansion of our world that has made our friendship less a focal point and more of a very reliable and trusted resource that I enjoy spending time with. While I regret that we don't have more time together, I am extremely grateful that our worlds have each expanded so that they are filled with a myriad of other things that make us both happy.

So what I'm saying is, I don't think friendship as adults has to be an on/off thing. Or at least I hope not. I hope for the sake of ending your stress that your other friend, Wen, is busy eating Aidell's, that he/she merely needs to be shown a hot dog once more to be reminded of how good they can be, too. Even if you no longer eat them every day.

Best of luck to ya, may you find your vegan Aidell's, pronto!

Where the 70's Survived
We had an offsite last Friday at lovely Vasona Park. The festivities included a rousting game of kickball. My team was the roustees (well, actually we were the Word Doctors) but we still had a blast. As offsites go, it was about the best ever. We had a seriously rad lunch, with these little sushi-like things that had sausage on top. Trust me, they were yummy, because sausage makes anything better. After lunch, we played kickball, then our managers took turns reading cards they'd written to each of us, saying what we offered to the group. It was really sweet, and yes, mine said I was a Lover of Cheese.

I embraced the athletic nature of the day by sporting the most sporty outfit possible. Below is some proof, though I chose not to share the two pics that show my wrinkles, yes I said MOTHER FUCKING WRINKLES.

Rawk On! It's Rawktober!
Chillin', havin a coke. My idea of hard lee-cor, right there.
I have the fastest-moving feet ever! But they don't spin.
Nobody points like I do, baby.

Light Rail of Joy
Three days a week, I leave the comfort of my office and ride to school on the light rail. Mainly because, as you know, I'm cheap and the thought of buying a $158 parking pass is way too much, and because they close $158 the garage during my classtime.

Today, I've been lucky enough to sit behind Lil Rob, who is apparently #23. I knew because it was embroidered on his sweatshirt. When I got off, I was missing him until a new guy, with a huge mullet got on, he's in the sideways-facing seat so all I can see is mullet. Ahh, a gift.

The Part of...
On soap operas (now known as Daytime Dramas) when someone is out for the day, they don't re-write the script, they just bring in a sub like you'd do for a third-grade class. As the faux person enters the scene, a voice that sounds a little like I imagine God's would comes on, a voiceover, and says "The part of Janet Lemore is being played by Some Other Actor You've Never Heard Of," except that instead of Some Other Actor You've Never Heard Of, it really is the name of an actor you've never heard of.

But I digress. Today, Viv's blog is that Daytime Drama and I'm the Other Actor. In lieu of actually writing something here, where y'all are looking for it (Hi, Y'all!) I've been commenting over there like a mad fool.

Anyway, since part of my weekend included playing against Viv, feel free to read her writeup of the game. I'll add my own comments later. Maybe, if I feel like it.