I Cannot Explain

How nerveracking the 2 weeks between inseminating and knowing whether or not it works can be. Sure, sure I'd read crap on the computer internet and in books about it but until you've lived it, there's no way to adequately describe it.

I'm sure if you're waiting to find out about a pregnancy you don't want or aren't ready for, that's different. I don't really know what that feels like.

But when you're waiting for the baby you've wanted your entire lifke (or since you were about 12, anyway), every momentof that waiting period drags on forever. The first week goes by okay, since you wouldn't see any signs yet. But the last part of the second week is torture, sheer torture. And hope as your boobs hurt, you have cramps, you're hit by sudden nausea.

Then your temperature drops and the waiting is only a formality. Soon there's a little bit of blood, then the full-on monthly onslaught and it's over. You do not know the sadness that comes when that blood arrives, indicating no baby. Again.

I know people who have tried for years and years, doing this dance every 2 weeks (waiting to ovulate, then waiting to see if it worked, lather, rinse, repeat). I have no idea how they stomach the emotional turmoil of the whole thing, I hope and pray we don't have to find out.

Because, for as strong as I think I am, I do not think I am that strong.