If I Was...

Actually knocked up right now, Murray would be due on my birthday.

What Does This Mean?

I have no idea if there's a connection or not, but my left boob is ON FIRE with a BURNING pain. And it sucks ass. When a co-worker came to my desk to ask about some work related stuff, it took every bone in my body to not scream at him CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THERE IS NO WAY I COULD CONCENTRATE ON THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE MY BOOB IS ON FIRE.

Could this possibly mean I'm preggo? Jesus.

Other possible sign: for 6 months, my temp has dipped .3 degrees the day after I ovulate. This month, it didn't.

Conversation with Andrea about getting results of the home pregnancy test that I'll no doubt do WAY too early:

Me: What if it's positive?
Her: HOLY SHIT
Me: What if it's negative?
Her: Then we'd be really sad

Done!

Well, we did it. Went to the sperm bank and made our withdrawl. It hurt a lot more than I'd expected it to the first day. The second round went a bit better but today I'm still having some cramps and this bizarre inability to regulate my temperature.

HOLY SHIT

I just got a (mostly) positive OPK result. The results line is still slightly lighter than the control but, that means it's time. My entire conversation with Andrea thus far:

Me: WHERE ARE YOU???
Andrea: omg!
Andrea: are we supposed to go now?
Me: omg i dunno
Andrea: omg!
Me: i'm gonna wait an hour and do the fancier one
Andrea: you dropped an egg!
Me: but OMG
Me: i'm crying
Andrea: ai ya!
Andrea: why are you crying?
Me: i dunno!!!
Andrea: because WE'RE NOT READY!
Me: maybe?
Me: OMG
Me: the line was slightly less dark
Me: so i have some time yet
Me: but i think we need to go tomorrow morning
Andrea: yes, i can see it (the line) this time (compared to yesterday's very faint line)
Andrea: but what made you say sat and sun then?
Me: i thought it would be day 14
Me: i'll confirm w/ the other test
Me: then call them
Andrea: OMG
Me: omg
Andrea: OMG!
Me: OMG
Andrea: OMG!!!
Me: HOLY SHIT
Andrea: CRAP!
Andrea: OMG!
Me: HOLY SHIT
Andrea: HOLY CRAP!

So I guess we're about to do this.

This Is Not A Test

For 6 months now, I've been dutifully tracking my eggs, waiting each month for the magic of ovulation, each time thinking 'well, that was just a test egg, it's not hte real one,' and both being sad and sort of relieved.

But the egg that's due to drop later this week? That's for reals, for trues and the thought of putting it to use makes me both teary-eyed at the thought of Murray being made LATER THIS WEEK and nauseous at the thought of actually becoming parents.

Now please excuse me, I have to pee on a stick.

Cold Feet -- Gone

No matter how nervous I'm feeling about all of this, my cold feet are gone (at least temporarily) the moment I start looking at strollers. Why is that?

Just you watch, we'll shlep this kid around in a front carrier the whole time and never once use the stroller I've been coveting for so long. Well, okay, since we went to Bubbies R Us to get a shower gift for our friend's niece. But long enough.

Stick Crisis!

I have been buying the test sticks for my fertility montior off eBay. It saves about $15 per box so it's been worth it. Last time I needed a box, my usual supplier didn't have any so I bought from someone with a lot of good feedback. The box arrived, I put it in the bathroom until it was time to use it.

Well, I did NOT expect this morning to be that time. Usually it doesn't ask for a stick until a couple of days from now so I was stunned, and mid-pee when it demanded to be fed.

CRAP! SHIT! Quick, thrash around and try to open the box without peeing any more. Fast! Ack! A drop leaked out. Was that the critical drop that would have helped our very expensive sperm meet my somewhat elusive eggs? Finally get the box open, rip open the stick and discover that they're expired! EXPIRED! Technically, they don't expire until 7/05 but let me tell you right now, those sticks do not know the difference between 6/15/05 and 7/05. In their little (very expensive) minds, it's already well into July and their productive time on this earth is over.

Lucky for me, part of any trip to any store that has even a teeny drug store component now includes checking out their fertility supplies so I knew that our local (ghetto fabulous, includes a woman who lives in the parking lot) Walgreen's had a box. Even luckier for me, that box was still in stock and doesn't expire until 3/06, at which time we will hopefully be preparing to birth the child we're about to try and conceive, or be very close to doing so.

How About That Timing

So it looks like we'll be headed to the bank for our first frozen jizz withdrawl next weekend -- just in time for Pride. We haven't been to Pride in years so it's sort of ironic that we'll be in the city for it. What better way to celebrate gay pride than by strolling the streets of SF with a vagina full of frozen sperm?

Standby

Monday I called the sperm bank to put us on standby for insemination later this month. Like in 2 weeks. I didn't expect to be THIS nervous, I thought for sure I'd be fine. After all, we've been planning this for months and in some ways, I've been planning for this since I was 12.

Of course, when I was 12, I thought it would be under less medicated circumstances but here we are, me a lover of the ladies not the gents and Mr. Silly's specimens at the ready to help us on our quest.

I stammered through the conversation with the bank, stumbling on every word the lady said. She said they don't recommend the tamagochi, since it's not designed for frozen sperm. Um, hi, isn't the point of all these sticks I pee on to determine exactly when I ovulate? Live, frozen, sperm from mars, it shouldn't matter when all we need to know is when I'm making my own version of egg drop soup.

So now we just wait, try not to think about it and try not to be superass nervous.

My First Fertility Joke

What kind of scan does an infertile pirate get?
A follicularrrrrr scan!